A Partial List
The following is a partial list of things that have or are currently irking me. Now, I know what you are saying, “Dave, you just need to get over this little snit you are having and get on with your life.” To you (and you know who you are) I say "Bite yourself, this is my blog and I am irked so read on, if you dare.
Texas toll roads – Good Lord. This state is huge and sprawling and all that. But do you have to make me stop every 7 miles and pay an additional $1.50. I like the idea of having outer-ring highways that avoid the inner-city traffic but why make me stop every 9 minutes to pay a little bit more. I would be happy to pay the full 5 dollars at the beginning of the trip and be done with it. But no, they designed it to have me stop every few miles and pay a little bit more. And I always seem to be in the lane with the lady looking for exact change. You’ve met her before – she has a combination of Euros, pesos and zlotys and is sure, with the current exchange rates she has exact change.
Airport delays – I am currently writing this aboard my flight from Austin to Las Vegas. It was delayed 20 minutes. Then it was delayed 30 minutes. It was finally delayed 45 minutes but the captain assures me that I will get to Las Vegas with 25 minutes to spare to make my connecting flight back home. Of course when we were boarding the plane the same woman with the exact European change brought on a bag that was clearly not the correct size and she was dead set she could make it fit in the overhead bin, I’m no scientist but a 19 inch deep bin will never hold a 23 inch bag. It just won’t happen no matter how hard you push. Her plan was to push on it, then stand back and say “Huh” and then push it again. Repeat this process 16 times and you have my evening. They eventually convinced her to check the bag and we all got out of the gate after another lengthy delay.
One day business trips – Two hour time differences, two interviews, one conference call and three flight delays. Add in an electronics convention and a lousy hotel bed with a lame TV and I was in rare form when the lady tried to shove the bag in. I thought of a nice place she could shove her bag but kept my mouth shut. "Hey, instead of shoving your oversized bag in the bin, why don't you just shove it right up your..." What an oversized bag, if you know what I mean.
The steward on my flight – he has now asked the people all around me if they want more soda or whatever they are drinking. He has not yet asked me if I would like another shot of diet Coke. The answer is “Yes – I would love another diet Coke.” But he hasn’t asked me that so we will never know if I would have enjoyed the second Coke because it doesn’t look like he is ever going to ask. Yes – I am pissed.
Other airline folks who just don’t get it – My favorite part of the airport experience is the security check. I love taking the computer out of the bag and placing it in a separate bin. I like taking off my shoes and emptying my pockets and my glasses and placing them all in another bin. My favorite is taking off my belt. I’m not sure what security risk a belt poses but I comply, I just do. I especially love it when a lady (you know the one I’m talking about) stops the line when she, no matter how many times she has flown before, runs her bag through the scanner with a full bottle of water. The combination of her looking perplexed and the security guy thinking he has just foiled the next 9/11 plot stops the line for what seems like hours. Of course I am holding my pants up (remember my belt is in a separate bin by now) and just hoping the rest of the day will get better. It rarely does.
Once I am on the flight there is an older lady, not really old but old enough that she surely doesn’t need to listen to the pre-flight instructions. As soon as she feels the urge, she just gets up and heads for the restroom. No matter that the plane is just starting to rev up the engines to take off. She stands up and starts toward the restroom. Well, the ever-vigilant stewardess is able to get her to sit down with a stern “Ma’am” and a look that could slice turnips at 10 paces. The lady sits down with a look of “Now that was out of place.” As soon as she can the stewardess asks the lady if her sojourn to the restroom is an emergency. It isn’t and she sits back down. I think the Darwin theory should just take over – a woman like that will just tumble backwards in the plane until she is unconscious and the rest of us will enjoy the flight that much more.
Enough for now. I’m sure I will come up with more in the future. Stay tuned.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Too Much Church - A Definition
So what really is "too" much church? My definition is - any microsecond more than the three hour block is way too much church. The exception to this definition is if there is pie involved with the additional nanoseconds of church. Today, for instance, was too much church. Faye and I had a 10:00 AM meeting with the other "I-am-so-important-so-listen-to-me" couples. That hour was "Too Much Church - hereinafter referred as TMC. The three hours of church today qualified as TMC becuase we had not one but two high council speakers. So, be definition, it was TMC per se. However, the time after church today was pie-ful so that alone did not qualify as TMC. The other parts of the sabbath did, however, make this a relatively rough Sunday.
Now you will note that I referred to the other couples as "I-am-so-important-so-listen-to-me" couples and we have a lot of them. It makes our job a lit easier. When the other IASISLTM couples talk first, when it comes time to ask the Ormes what they have been doing, any short and succinct response is greatly appreciated. So we look good by comparison. Less pedantic = nice people. An equation to live by.
That is all. Have a wonderful week. I will be in Austin Texas (as opposed to Austin, Hawaii) so there.
Now you will note that I referred to the other couples as "I-am-so-important-so-listen-to-me" couples and we have a lot of them. It makes our job a lit easier. When the other IASISLTM couples talk first, when it comes time to ask the Ormes what they have been doing, any short and succinct response is greatly appreciated. So we look good by comparison. Less pedantic = nice people. An equation to live by.
That is all. Have a wonderful week. I will be in Austin Texas (as opposed to Austin, Hawaii) so there.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Way too much church
It started at 12:30 PM - a missionary farewell at our ward. A young man named Grant going to Houston East in a week or so. A lovely talk and we then left to attend out Young Singles ward(Editors note: I am neither young nor single) So we listened to talk and ward choir numbers (6) - not six numbers, just the number 6) and I fell asleep so doing two Sac Meetings has its silver lining. Then on to Sunday School. There are two classes each being vcery large because there is no Primary or young anything, just Sunday School. So neither of the teachers showed up today. TO me this was perfect. We just don't have Sunday School. BONUS!!! But it was not to be. One gentleman got up after a few minutes and said he would teach our class. Now we are in the middle of the Book of Mormon group of lessons and he could have just started tight where we left off last week but that was not to be as well. He announced he was going to lead a lively discussion on DATING. It was quite the Sunday School. Nows it would have been best to not have it. Better was having the dating discussion. Worst would have been the real lesson so I guess it was a fairly good draw.
Now the lesson was a true window into the collective soul of the Singles Ward. First, we started with a list of gripes, from the male perspective, showing what the boys (yes boys) felt were issues that the women had. Then the real venom, the women's perspective. Some of the comments were quite insightful. Some hilarious. And others just sad, the real reasons so many of these people are still single. I particularly liked the comments I labeled "From the Snippy Bitch" comments. There were many and from various parties. Snippy Bitch comments, they name is Legion. There were plenty of stupid male comments as well. His name is Legion as well. My favorite comment from the male was "If I call and offer to go on a date, my offer of date should supercede any girl's-night you may have already planned." No date for him!
Oh well.
Now the lesson was a true window into the collective soul of the Singles Ward. First, we started with a list of gripes, from the male perspective, showing what the boys (yes boys) felt were issues that the women had. Then the real venom, the women's perspective. Some of the comments were quite insightful. Some hilarious. And others just sad, the real reasons so many of these people are still single. I particularly liked the comments I labeled "From the Snippy Bitch" comments. There were many and from various parties. Snippy Bitch comments, they name is Legion. There were plenty of stupid male comments as well. His name is Legion as well. My favorite comment from the male was "If I call and offer to go on a date, my offer of date should supercede any girl's-night you may have already planned." No date for him!
Oh well.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Please unlock Dave
First, Kudos to Isaac for naming the one piece of hardware I have yet to purchase, the double gertered bavarian cold dipped snaus screw. I checked at my local Ace hardward emporium and they come in various lengths and either hot-dipped, cold-dipped or stainless. It goes without saying they are bugle tipped. I bought matching earrings made from them for Faye for Christmas so don't tell her.
And Kudos to Diane for renaming the porch the porck. I will christen it as such when the champagne arrives.
So, I am in a new job with high expectations. I kind of lied my rear end off in the interview, (I invented cheese and the computer) and I am trying my best to figure things out on my own instead of calling every 9 minutes with another "how do I" type question. So this morning my boss asks for a specific document by the end of the day with very specific information. He had even provided the slides from a powerpoint presentation on how to access the database to get the information. Well, this seems like a no-brainer for me. I should be able to review the slides, access the database and send out a memo the likes of which have rarely been seen in all the land. I shall succeed - I just knew it.
Well, you have all tried to gain access to websites and databases when the password and the filename contain numerous letters, numbers and symbols, some of which have to be capitalized or lower cased or whatever. Well, I went through every possible combination of these trying to get into the damned database and I couldn't do it. Before I go on, a note about my boss. He is a British man and can be very finicky , especially when he says he wants something by a certain date. They are refered to as Hardfiles at Farmers and I was recently(just hours before this) called on the carpet because I had missed one of his Hardfiles. So I was not about to miss this one. Anyway, like I said he is a Brit from Kennsington Smythefield Widget Pickleworthe Fudgemonkey-on-Avon, a suburb of Plankmeat Farthington Specialsaucelettucepickle Onasesameseedbun Pencilneck Danglersbotton. He is very particular about everything. So, after literally hours of trying every other avenue to get into this database (I called the helpdesk and HR and people I didn't even know) I finally sent him an e-mail admitting my failure and asked for his help with the database. Minutes later I get the e-mail chain from him - He sent my e-mail to the IT guy and it stated "Please unlock Dave." I spent the better part of my morning trying to get into a database and give him some F-gerund memo and he had me locked out of the database. There is still spit on my computer screen from all the cursing and venom I spewed, yes spewed, when I saw that e-mail.
That was how my morning started.
How was yours.
And Kudos to Diane for renaming the porch the porck. I will christen it as such when the champagne arrives.
So, I am in a new job with high expectations. I kind of lied my rear end off in the interview, (I invented cheese and the computer) and I am trying my best to figure things out on my own instead of calling every 9 minutes with another "how do I" type question. So this morning my boss asks for a specific document by the end of the day with very specific information. He had even provided the slides from a powerpoint presentation on how to access the database to get the information. Well, this seems like a no-brainer for me. I should be able to review the slides, access the database and send out a memo the likes of which have rarely been seen in all the land. I shall succeed - I just knew it.
Well, you have all tried to gain access to websites and databases when the password and the filename contain numerous letters, numbers and symbols, some of which have to be capitalized or lower cased or whatever. Well, I went through every possible combination of these trying to get into the damned database and I couldn't do it. Before I go on, a note about my boss. He is a British man and can be very finicky , especially when he says he wants something by a certain date. They are refered to as Hardfiles at Farmers and I was recently(just hours before this) called on the carpet because I had missed one of his Hardfiles. So I was not about to miss this one. Anyway, like I said he is a Brit from Kennsington Smythefield Widget Pickleworthe Fudgemonkey-on-Avon, a suburb of Plankmeat Farthington Specialsaucelettucepickle Onasesameseedbun Pencilneck Danglersbotton. He is very particular about everything. So, after literally hours of trying every other avenue to get into this database (I called the helpdesk and HR and people I didn't even know) I finally sent him an e-mail admitting my failure and asked for his help with the database. Minutes later I get the e-mail chain from him - He sent my e-mail to the IT guy and it stated "Please unlock Dave." I spent the better part of my morning trying to get into a database and give him some F-gerund memo and he had me locked out of the database. There is still spit on my computer screen from all the cursing and venom I spewed, yes spewed, when I saw that e-mail.
That was how my morning started.
How was yours.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Nearly a porch
After another weekend (Saturday for you non-mormons) I still have not completed the porch. It has 2/3 of a railing now and is only marginally dangerous for those who venture the risks of actually approaching my door. I approximate that only one in five would actually hurt themsemves on the deck and of those, likely only one in three would take to time to sue me. I can live with those odds.
We started the day at 8:00 AM because deckers are not allowed to sleep in on the weekends. My poor neighbors have heard the whine/scream of a chop saw at 8 AM for the past three weekends. It's like the cock-a-doodle-doo from the Orme's house. Luckily most do not own handguns or I would be a dead duck. We went to the store shortly thereafter because the hardware and wood that I purchased for the remainder of the project were woefully understated. Can you believe it - I didn't even know they made stainless steel deck bolts in 3, 4 and 5 inch lengths. I thought hot dipped was all I had to do. I think not.
We also had to buy very nice cedar for the railing. I understood that, since people would be running their hands on this railing, it had to be the nicest cedar out there, the nicest cedar available to humankind. Cedar so nice each individual piece had to submit a business plan with graphs before it could even be cut down and considered for the position of my railing. Well, we went to the cedar botique and purused the cedar. It was a nice place. A man in a tuxedo brought us both a glass of champagne and had the cedar brought in to the office one at a time. All right, it wasn't quite that outrageous but it was close. Of course we looked at every piece of wood in the store and then chose the must humble 2x4 in the emporium. I should have been scared when there was no price marked near the wood bin. Well, after all was said and paid for I paid almost $22 for a 4 ft piece of wood. So if you come to my house and walk on my porch, plelase feel free to run your grubby little hands all over the railing because it contains part of my soul and some of my 401K. It does look nice though. However, the deck/porch is not done yet. We only got the main part of the railing done. At the top where it makes to two quick turns is still open and dangerous. I can't wait for halloween.
We have the platinum-grade cedar for the top railing and have it properly dove-tailed/mitred and waiting to be placed. When we were ready to do this my lumber-mentor commented that we really needed to use his "oval machine" to do the job properly. Now I confess I've been on the other end of these before. I've sent new scouts on snipe hunts and it was fun. I thought he was kidding but the look in his eyes told me otherwise. He was not about to let me half-ass my way through this last critical step of the porch process. (In fact, I am the king of half-ass. I have special chairs so I can sit down. I even walk a bit funny because of it. I think I am a protected class now.) He would have no confidence in that edge joint unless it was properly ovaled into place. I don't quite understand the process of the oval machine but it sounds like, if the Iraquis had used them previously, it would be an entirely different war over there. I think this should become a campaign issue, seriously. I don't need an economic stimulus check if I can't even afford an oval machine. And another thing - what else in my house needs ovaling? I bet the Japanese have ovalers, and spare ones to boot. I bet Japanese kids are learning ovaling in elementary school while my kids are learning how to save the princess in Mario Brothers. I blame the democrats.
I will let you know how it goes, assuming it is ever finished.
We started the day at 8:00 AM because deckers are not allowed to sleep in on the weekends. My poor neighbors have heard the whine/scream of a chop saw at 8 AM for the past three weekends. It's like the cock-a-doodle-doo from the Orme's house. Luckily most do not own handguns or I would be a dead duck. We went to the store shortly thereafter because the hardware and wood that I purchased for the remainder of the project were woefully understated. Can you believe it - I didn't even know they made stainless steel deck bolts in 3, 4 and 5 inch lengths. I thought hot dipped was all I had to do. I think not.
We also had to buy very nice cedar for the railing. I understood that, since people would be running their hands on this railing, it had to be the nicest cedar out there, the nicest cedar available to humankind. Cedar so nice each individual piece had to submit a business plan with graphs before it could even be cut down and considered for the position of my railing. Well, we went to the cedar botique and purused the cedar. It was a nice place. A man in a tuxedo brought us both a glass of champagne and had the cedar brought in to the office one at a time. All right, it wasn't quite that outrageous but it was close. Of course we looked at every piece of wood in the store and then chose the must humble 2x4 in the emporium. I should have been scared when there was no price marked near the wood bin. Well, after all was said and paid for I paid almost $22 for a 4 ft piece of wood. So if you come to my house and walk on my porch, plelase feel free to run your grubby little hands all over the railing because it contains part of my soul and some of my 401K. It does look nice though. However, the deck/porch is not done yet. We only got the main part of the railing done. At the top where it makes to two quick turns is still open and dangerous. I can't wait for halloween.
We have the platinum-grade cedar for the top railing and have it properly dove-tailed/mitred and waiting to be placed. When we were ready to do this my lumber-mentor commented that we really needed to use his "oval machine" to do the job properly. Now I confess I've been on the other end of these before. I've sent new scouts on snipe hunts and it was fun. I thought he was kidding but the look in his eyes told me otherwise. He was not about to let me half-ass my way through this last critical step of the porch process. (In fact, I am the king of half-ass. I have special chairs so I can sit down. I even walk a bit funny because of it. I think I am a protected class now.) He would have no confidence in that edge joint unless it was properly ovaled into place. I don't quite understand the process of the oval machine but it sounds like, if the Iraquis had used them previously, it would be an entirely different war over there. I think this should become a campaign issue, seriously. I don't need an economic stimulus check if I can't even afford an oval machine. And another thing - what else in my house needs ovaling? I bet the Japanese have ovalers, and spare ones to boot. I bet Japanese kids are learning ovaling in elementary school while my kids are learning how to save the princess in Mario Brothers. I blame the democrats.
I will let you know how it goes, assuming it is ever finished.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
E-mails? Who needs e-mails!!!
I have this recurring nightmare. Not the one with the duck. This is a real one. Where I am happily working and I have tins of information I need to do my job but I know I don't have to remember it all because I have these e-mail files with it all in there. Loads and loads of current information that I can access because I know where it is, it's in my e-mail archives. It's like knowing the answer to final Jeopardy. Comforting. Ahhh!
Well, in my dream I accidentally hit a key, it's a mystery key and I have no idea what it is or how I hit it, but all of the sudden my e-mail files are all gone. They actually disappear before my eyes and I scream the most foul venom at my computer screen. Well guess what happened this afternoon at about 3:35 PM. You guessed it. I had a very similar experience except that I didn't lose all my e-mail archives, I dropped a piece of toast face down in the kitchen. It was awful.
Actually something like that did happen, the e-mails, not the toast. But instead of losing all of my e-mails, they just all got scrambled and dropped into on big mess of a file. So now I have my information but it's all messed up and it takes me forever to locate it. I have a three-day task facing me to re-arrange all of my lovely tasty e-mails into a cogent order again. I'm sure this would not have happend if I was working on a Mac. (Shout out to captain Dad there)
So otherwise, I am now working upstairs in Kevin's old room and it just might work. I want to you all to know I actually changed out of my jammies today when I was at work. I did wait until 2:30 PM to do it but that is not the point. I did change. We had a conference call where we discussed two audit files for almost three hours. I was laying on the bed with my clip board farting too beat the band and no one was the wiser. Except me of course - I was cracking myself up. Some of them were truly masterpieces of flatulent art. I kill me. My butt is the funniest thing on the planet. No joke there.
Anyway, I must now rest up for another jammied day at work.
Well, in my dream I accidentally hit a key, it's a mystery key and I have no idea what it is or how I hit it, but all of the sudden my e-mail files are all gone. They actually disappear before my eyes and I scream the most foul venom at my computer screen. Well guess what happened this afternoon at about 3:35 PM. You guessed it. I had a very similar experience except that I didn't lose all my e-mail archives, I dropped a piece of toast face down in the kitchen. It was awful.
Actually something like that did happen, the e-mails, not the toast. But instead of losing all of my e-mails, they just all got scrambled and dropped into on big mess of a file. So now I have my information but it's all messed up and it takes me forever to locate it. I have a three-day task facing me to re-arrange all of my lovely tasty e-mails into a cogent order again. I'm sure this would not have happend if I was working on a Mac. (Shout out to captain Dad there)
So otherwise, I am now working upstairs in Kevin's old room and it just might work. I want to you all to know I actually changed out of my jammies today when I was at work. I did wait until 2:30 PM to do it but that is not the point. I did change. We had a conference call where we discussed two audit files for almost three hours. I was laying on the bed with my clip board farting too beat the band and no one was the wiser. Except me of course - I was cracking myself up. Some of them were truly masterpieces of flatulent art. I kill me. My butt is the funniest thing on the planet. No joke there.
Anyway, I must now rest up for another jammied day at work.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Deck this!
It is mostly done. The deck, that is. This Saturday we (mostly him) finished the deck proper. The raziling was saved for another day. We want to draw out the pleasure as long as we can. It looks like a deck. It smells like and deck. And people walk on it without fearing for thier lives. At least they do not comment that they fdear for their lives. Before it was a regular occurrence.
I actually look forward to getting the newspaper now.
Faye and I went to the singles ward today and , Woof, what an experience. It is so quiet. If they ever ask me to talk I an going to my other ward, my true ward, the week before and I will tape record the sacrament time and then play it back during my talk. No kids screaming and that means I have to be quiet as well. We can't play games like we used to. You know the one - you lean over to your spouse and pick out another person and whisper it to your spouse. That is the person he has to marry if you suddenly die. When the dry heaves wear off it is your turn. YOu get to choose your husband's next wife. We have done this and have been able to not really hear any of the talks. It's great fun unless one of you actually hurls in the pew (insert your own joke here.) The real talking starts when the speakers get going. I knows young people talk alot but this was almost embarrassing to listen to. One of the speakers started espousing how dating was like your relationship with the Savior. I didn't get it either. But, as soon as he mentioned dating, it was carte blanche to all kibbitz about how everything was about dating and marriage, as if going to the singles ward wasn't about dating and marriage. It was kind of humorous. Also, it was kind of funny - Faye and I thought we were coming in to this ward as the new couple, it turns out that all of us are new couples so no one knows hwat the heck we are doing. All I know is they had little donut holes and cider in the cultural hall after church so I stuck around and fellowshipped a few of them nuggets, if you know what I mean. What a crazy church.
These two auditors are out golfing. The first one tees off and hits a hole-in-one. He is ecstatic. The second one says, "Not according to my R3 Secondary you didn't." They both fall down laughing. That one even makes me laugh. Just kidding.
I actually look forward to getting the newspaper now.
Faye and I went to the singles ward today and , Woof, what an experience. It is so quiet. If they ever ask me to talk I an going to my other ward, my true ward, the week before and I will tape record the sacrament time and then play it back during my talk. No kids screaming and that means I have to be quiet as well. We can't play games like we used to. You know the one - you lean over to your spouse and pick out another person and whisper it to your spouse. That is the person he has to marry if you suddenly die. When the dry heaves wear off it is your turn. YOu get to choose your husband's next wife. We have done this and have been able to not really hear any of the talks. It's great fun unless one of you actually hurls in the pew (insert your own joke here.) The real talking starts when the speakers get going. I knows young people talk alot but this was almost embarrassing to listen to. One of the speakers started espousing how dating was like your relationship with the Savior. I didn't get it either. But, as soon as he mentioned dating, it was carte blanche to all kibbitz about how everything was about dating and marriage, as if going to the singles ward wasn't about dating and marriage. It was kind of humorous. Also, it was kind of funny - Faye and I thought we were coming in to this ward as the new couple, it turns out that all of us are new couples so no one knows hwat the heck we are doing. All I know is they had little donut holes and cider in the cultural hall after church so I stuck around and fellowshipped a few of them nuggets, if you know what I mean. What a crazy church.
These two auditors are out golfing. The first one tees off and hits a hole-in-one. He is ecstatic. The second one says, "Not according to my R3 Secondary you didn't." They both fall down laughing. That one even makes me laugh. Just kidding.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Kansas City, Eh?
Two nights in Kansas City seems like enough. I like the people I work with and I think they like me. I just don’t need to spend 48 hours together. I wouldn’t mind 48 hours together, just not all at once. A few hours here, then a week off, a few more hours, then a month away. That is how I would like to spend 48 hours with these people.
And here’s another thing. By way of explanation, the first paragraph was the first thing. Otherwise this could not be “another” thing, it would just be a thing. So anyway, if you get up early at a hotel and are forced to shower and get dressed and be forced to wear one of the three shirts you have that say “Farmers” on it, and have to eat breakfast with these same people starting at 7:15 AM. And then after a rigorous discussion during the morning, you have to eat a “working lunch” with them again. And then another grueling discussion where we rehash the same things over and over and over and over again because, if you go to a meeting, even though someone else has just said the very thought in your brain, you still have to say it anyway,otherwise yo have no worth the the company - after 5 more hours of that, they then announce “We have reservations at J. Pierpont Wondershorts for dinner at 6PM.” I mean, really? Huh? After 10 consecutive hours with the same 15 people you really want me to go out to dinner with them as well? What sort of bonding do you think I need to do with these people? I see them in the elevators. (“Hey” is what you say when you see them. That is sufficient.) You see them in the restrooms. (Can I at least pee without you?) You then have to see them every time you eat. And then, as if you now are going to declare them as your dependent, they all want to go to the bar and get drinks afterwards.
Ay carumba. I mean, do you people not have other things to do in their life? I just can’t take these people after that much time together. For heavens sake, these people like to talk about audits, even after work. (These two auditors walk into a bar. The first one says, “Hey, what is your variance?” The second one responds, “TFQ or CR?” They both laugh till the pee themselves. Seriously)
So I am now in the airport waiting for the airline gods to determine if my flight will be on time or I will be forced to make friends with the nice garbage lady again. I went through the security check this afternoon and thought I was OK. No lights or buzzers went off. Then a nice young man with an evil streak and a badge asked me to move to the right and he frisked me with extreme prejudice for, what I thought, was way too long. I asked him at one point when I was going to meet his parents. Then, without explanation, he said I was just fine and asked me to move on so he could target his next hapless victim. I asked what it was that prompted him to treat me with such distain. He looked at me and just pointed to my trays of clothes and shoes and said thank you. I really would like to know what I did so that I could avoid doing it next time. I really didn’t enjoy the rubdown notwithstanding the noises I was making. (I am a little ticklish.)
So there, I’ve been to KC and I am now coming home.
And here’s another thing. By way of explanation, the first paragraph was the first thing. Otherwise this could not be “another” thing, it would just be a thing. So anyway, if you get up early at a hotel and are forced to shower and get dressed and be forced to wear one of the three shirts you have that say “Farmers” on it, and have to eat breakfast with these same people starting at 7:15 AM. And then after a rigorous discussion during the morning, you have to eat a “working lunch” with them again. And then another grueling discussion where we rehash the same things over and over and over and over again because, if you go to a meeting, even though someone else has just said the very thought in your brain, you still have to say it anyway,otherwise yo have no worth the the company - after 5 more hours of that, they then announce “We have reservations at J. Pierpont Wondershorts for dinner at 6PM.” I mean, really? Huh? After 10 consecutive hours with the same 15 people you really want me to go out to dinner with them as well? What sort of bonding do you think I need to do with these people? I see them in the elevators. (“Hey” is what you say when you see them. That is sufficient.) You see them in the restrooms. (Can I at least pee without you?) You then have to see them every time you eat. And then, as if you now are going to declare them as your dependent, they all want to go to the bar and get drinks afterwards.
Ay carumba. I mean, do you people not have other things to do in their life? I just can’t take these people after that much time together. For heavens sake, these people like to talk about audits, even after work. (These two auditors walk into a bar. The first one says, “Hey, what is your variance?” The second one responds, “TFQ or CR?” They both laugh till the pee themselves. Seriously)
So I am now in the airport waiting for the airline gods to determine if my flight will be on time or I will be forced to make friends with the nice garbage lady again. I went through the security check this afternoon and thought I was OK. No lights or buzzers went off. Then a nice young man with an evil streak and a badge asked me to move to the right and he frisked me with extreme prejudice for, what I thought, was way too long. I asked him at one point when I was going to meet his parents. Then, without explanation, he said I was just fine and asked me to move on so he could target his next hapless victim. I asked what it was that prompted him to treat me with such distain. He looked at me and just pointed to my trays of clothes and shoes and said thank you. I really would like to know what I did so that I could avoid doing it next time. I really didn’t enjoy the rubdown notwithstanding the noises I was making. (I am a little ticklish.)
So there, I’ve been to KC and I am now coming home.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Porch from Hell
As some of you may know, I am replacing the front porch to my small imitation home in Tualatin. A nice man from our ward came to the house and told Faye multiple times that the front steps to our porch were a death trap and he would love to help me replace it. I finally relented and called him to discuss the possibility of his helping me replace my porch. Well, he had computer drawings and three options before I could say "incomptetent" (and I am referring to myself here.) When I say he helped me, he did all the work and I watched and handed him tools.
Well, he and I reviewed the drawings and finally agreed on option three (remember this because it is a key part of the story later.) He gave me a list of lumber and hardware to purchase and assured me he would come over the Saturday after conference and we would put the porch together before the HP social at 4:30 PM. (Note the omminous music starting to build in the background)
Well, he arrived and the house at 7:30 AM last Saturday and got all of his tools out of his car and set up shop. We tore apart the old porch - that was a lot of fun. I love taking stuff apart. It was done in just a few minutes. He has great tools. I have boy tools - his tools are big-boy man tools and have genitals of their own. It was fast. Then he took a look at the lumber I had purchased. Those of you familiar with foreshadowing will knoe what happens next. I had the wrong wood. It was like it didn't even come from trees. How could a person who went to school and could drive a car pick wood like this. I could hear his eyes rolling back in his head. This wood would not do and we needed to replace it immediately. People who know me know I own two cars, neither of them is a lumber-toting vehicle. I don't think either of my cars could pack anything larger than lincoln logs. So I had to call a friend in the ward who owns a pickup truck. After dialing the wrong number - twice (remember this is before 8AM)- I was able to get ahold of Steve Beikman and I borriwed his truck-like vehicle. I know I don't even have a truck and havce to covet his truck, but this vehicle was a pile of it. It was an eventful trip to Home depot and back. But the good news is, we had the right type of wood. It was beautiful wood, it was the right size, it was very expensive. Oh, option three was not the right option, it was option 1 - I just didn't realize until we were purchasing all new wood.
So, meanwhile, back at the house, there was a large space where my porch used to be and I was wondering which of the many neighborhood kids was trying to knock on my door becoming seriously injured and planning the lawsuit. We got back home and were able to finally start on the porch. Hahahahahah you are such a dope. Of course we could not start on the deck. The joists and nails I purchased were not hot dipped. Apparently, in the old days when our pioneer forefathers were small, people made porches and decks with galvanized nails. In our modern times, it appears that galvanized nails are only used to nail old dog turds to the fence. It was not an option to construct my porch with galvanized nails, thay had to be hot dipped. And don't get me started on the joists. So this time we sent Faye back to Home Depot to get the hot dipped stuff and he went back to his house under the guise of getting some additional tools and stuff. I'm sure he went back home, called all of his friends, and told them all what a baloney-for-brains I was. They all got a huge kick out of the galvanized nails story, I'm sure. HE called then on a hot-dipped phone.
An hour or so later we were back at the house, hot-dipped nails in hand and the right joists in the other - ready to start making a porch. Remember, this story is about building a porch. It is now 11Am and we are ready to start putting a porch where the big porch hole is now. We actually started cutting the very nice wood and made a rough frame for the porch. We hung joists (insert your own joke here) and it was quite sturdy. Well, I was feeling kind of manly all the sudden and felt like we just might build a porch. We stopped for lunch. We had sandwiches. It was great.
Then we started to cut out the risers, the actual steps for the porch. He cut the first one and it was wrong. Luckily it was cut out of the 2x12x12 ft boards, the most expensive and hardest to transport. Well, I ran to the store to get another expensive board. Keep count at home - this was trip number three. So we eventually got all five risers cut out and I was thinking maybe we could really get going on the porch. Well, by this time he was tired and it was time to go socialize with the high priests. So what I had left was an outline/frame where my porch used to be. It did keep the deacons from coming to collect fast offerings on Sunday, so we had that going for us.
Fast forward to this evening, Monday. He came by the house and he asked what the concrete bolts looked like. Go figure, I had the wrong ones. One more trip to Home Depot and I purchased more bolts and a drill bit. After that was purchased we started to connect the risers and after a long time we were actually ready to put the decking on and make the porch look like a porch. He took a look at the decking screws I had purchased. He had actually looked at the box if screws on Saturday and mentioned that we had more than enough to get the job done. Apparently he was just commenting on the quantity of screws, not the quality of them. Well, tonight he actually opened the box o' screws and advised me I have a brain made of anal lunchmeat because these screws were for composite deck material, not wood. We needed bugle head deck screws. He actually said that. He is probably telling his friends now "I told him to get bugle head deck screws, and he bought it.This guy is a maroon." We actually tried one and, to the untrained eye, I thought the deck screws were just fine. Well, I am a botard because he would not have any part of it. So my deck now has risers and nothing else. He said we needed stainless steel screws because - and at this point he said something about the type of wood and some other things but I didn't hear because I just wanted the damned porch to be done. So he is going to purchase some stainless steel screws at a cost just lower than white diamonds and he will put the final decking on when I am out of town the next few days.
So, what did I learn from this. I did not really purchase anything at all that we ended up using on the porch. I had the wrong nails, the wrong wood and the wrong bolts. I clearly have no idea what I am doing when it comes to building a porch. I mean, I would have put the decking on with the lame screws and there would have been little dimples in it. I also learned that anal lunch meat would be a good punk rock band name.
I will be going to Kansas City tomorrow and return Thursday evening late. I might have a new porch when I return. I might have a new house. I really don't know what to expect.
I'll let you know.
Well, he and I reviewed the drawings and finally agreed on option three (remember this because it is a key part of the story later.) He gave me a list of lumber and hardware to purchase and assured me he would come over the Saturday after conference and we would put the porch together before the HP social at 4:30 PM. (Note the omminous music starting to build in the background)
Well, he arrived and the house at 7:30 AM last Saturday and got all of his tools out of his car and set up shop. We tore apart the old porch - that was a lot of fun. I love taking stuff apart. It was done in just a few minutes. He has great tools. I have boy tools - his tools are big-boy man tools and have genitals of their own. It was fast. Then he took a look at the lumber I had purchased. Those of you familiar with foreshadowing will knoe what happens next. I had the wrong wood. It was like it didn't even come from trees. How could a person who went to school and could drive a car pick wood like this. I could hear his eyes rolling back in his head. This wood would not do and we needed to replace it immediately. People who know me know I own two cars, neither of them is a lumber-toting vehicle. I don't think either of my cars could pack anything larger than lincoln logs. So I had to call a friend in the ward who owns a pickup truck. After dialing the wrong number - twice (remember this is before 8AM)- I was able to get ahold of Steve Beikman and I borriwed his truck-like vehicle. I know I don't even have a truck and havce to covet his truck, but this vehicle was a pile of it. It was an eventful trip to Home depot and back. But the good news is, we had the right type of wood. It was beautiful wood, it was the right size, it was very expensive. Oh, option three was not the right option, it was option 1 - I just didn't realize until we were purchasing all new wood.
So, meanwhile, back at the house, there was a large space where my porch used to be and I was wondering which of the many neighborhood kids was trying to knock on my door becoming seriously injured and planning the lawsuit. We got back home and were able to finally start on the porch. Hahahahahah you are such a dope. Of course we could not start on the deck. The joists and nails I purchased were not hot dipped. Apparently, in the old days when our pioneer forefathers were small, people made porches and decks with galvanized nails. In our modern times, it appears that galvanized nails are only used to nail old dog turds to the fence. It was not an option to construct my porch with galvanized nails, thay had to be hot dipped. And don't get me started on the joists. So this time we sent Faye back to Home Depot to get the hot dipped stuff and he went back to his house under the guise of getting some additional tools and stuff. I'm sure he went back home, called all of his friends, and told them all what a baloney-for-brains I was. They all got a huge kick out of the galvanized nails story, I'm sure. HE called then on a hot-dipped phone.
An hour or so later we were back at the house, hot-dipped nails in hand and the right joists in the other - ready to start making a porch. Remember, this story is about building a porch. It is now 11Am and we are ready to start putting a porch where the big porch hole is now. We actually started cutting the very nice wood and made a rough frame for the porch. We hung joists (insert your own joke here) and it was quite sturdy. Well, I was feeling kind of manly all the sudden and felt like we just might build a porch. We stopped for lunch. We had sandwiches. It was great.
Then we started to cut out the risers, the actual steps for the porch. He cut the first one and it was wrong. Luckily it was cut out of the 2x12x12 ft boards, the most expensive and hardest to transport. Well, I ran to the store to get another expensive board. Keep count at home - this was trip number three. So we eventually got all five risers cut out and I was thinking maybe we could really get going on the porch. Well, by this time he was tired and it was time to go socialize with the high priests. So what I had left was an outline/frame where my porch used to be. It did keep the deacons from coming to collect fast offerings on Sunday, so we had that going for us.
Fast forward to this evening, Monday. He came by the house and he asked what the concrete bolts looked like. Go figure, I had the wrong ones. One more trip to Home Depot and I purchased more bolts and a drill bit. After that was purchased we started to connect the risers and after a long time we were actually ready to put the decking on and make the porch look like a porch. He took a look at the decking screws I had purchased. He had actually looked at the box if screws on Saturday and mentioned that we had more than enough to get the job done. Apparently he was just commenting on the quantity of screws, not the quality of them. Well, tonight he actually opened the box o' screws and advised me I have a brain made of anal lunchmeat because these screws were for composite deck material, not wood. We needed bugle head deck screws. He actually said that. He is probably telling his friends now "I told him to get bugle head deck screws, and he bought it.This guy is a maroon." We actually tried one and, to the untrained eye, I thought the deck screws were just fine. Well, I am a botard because he would not have any part of it. So my deck now has risers and nothing else. He said we needed stainless steel screws because - and at this point he said something about the type of wood and some other things but I didn't hear because I just wanted the damned porch to be done. So he is going to purchase some stainless steel screws at a cost just lower than white diamonds and he will put the final decking on when I am out of town the next few days.
So, what did I learn from this. I did not really purchase anything at all that we ended up using on the porch. I had the wrong nails, the wrong wood and the wrong bolts. I clearly have no idea what I am doing when it comes to building a porch. I mean, I would have put the decking on with the lame screws and there would have been little dimples in it. I also learned that anal lunch meat would be a good punk rock band name.
I will be going to Kansas City tomorrow and return Thursday evening late. I might have a new porch when I return. I might have a new house. I really don't know what to expect.
I'll let you know.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Scary Dreams
Have you ever had that dream, you know, the one where you show up to a final and you realized that haven't even attended one class all semester and don't even know the name of the class. Mine is a little different. I suddenly realize I am in a class and the other students have their books and I only have a duck. Clearly I am unprepared and am up a creek. That is my usual nightmare. Well, my last nightmare is worse. My duck is naked.
Maybe it is the new job. I know a lot about claims but little about how our auditing system works. People are asking me questions as if I know anything about all of this. So like I have done in the past, I pull nicely crafted turds out of my rear end and hope they sound OK. I am telling regional managers why they are wrong. I keep thinking someone is going to call bullshit and I'll be exposed for the fraud that I am.
I presume I will do this like all my other jobs - work hard and figure it out eventually and hope I can fake it until I become competent. It's not a great plan but it is a plan nontheless.
I get to tear apart my front porch on Saturday. I hope to get it back together on the same day. I have a very smart guy from church helping me do it. And when I say helping me, I am actually going to hand him tools and hope to stay out of his way and try to not to get him mad. In the end I will have a new porch and the value of my house will skyrocket. I think that is the key to this economic downturn, shoddy porches. I'm surprised the candidates have not included this in their platform.
I'll blog again when the pup is up again.
Dave
Maybe it is the new job. I know a lot about claims but little about how our auditing system works. People are asking me questions as if I know anything about all of this. So like I have done in the past, I pull nicely crafted turds out of my rear end and hope they sound OK. I am telling regional managers why they are wrong. I keep thinking someone is going to call bullshit and I'll be exposed for the fraud that I am.
I presume I will do this like all my other jobs - work hard and figure it out eventually and hope I can fake it until I become competent. It's not a great plan but it is a plan nontheless.
I get to tear apart my front porch on Saturday. I hope to get it back together on the same day. I have a very smart guy from church helping me do it. And when I say helping me, I am actually going to hand him tools and hope to stay out of his way and try to not to get him mad. In the end I will have a new porch and the value of my house will skyrocket. I think that is the key to this economic downturn, shoddy porches. I'm surprised the candidates have not included this in their platform.
I'll blog again when the pup is up again.
Dave
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Audit me, No Audit You!!
So here I am three days into being an audit manager. It's so cool. Soooo much power to be mean and petty. I have been very good and benevolent so far. I sense that good feeling will soon disappear. I got to overturn an audit already and I told a regional claims manager that I would not reconsider his request. Fun stuff.
It has been rainy and lame here lately. I have been traveling up to Vancouver, WA (you know , the place where you have to pump your own gas) and the traveling in the rain is totally lame. I have been so used to the wonderful summer weather that I forgot how lame it is to drive in the rain. Oh well, in another 6 months or so it will stop again.
We just finished watching conference. (There's 10 hours I'll never get back - Just kidding) It was good as usual. I still have my little freaky buttons. I wish two things.
1. Please get off the "you must wear a white shirt and tie to pass the sacrament" thing. I wish someone would at least acknowledge that personal worthiness is important, or at least as important as the white shirt. It seems like they only talk about the white shirt, much more than any discussion about personal worthiness.
B. Quit using the phrase "important calling" when you talk about what people do in the church. Jay Jensen mentioned how important it was to give single women "significant" callings in the ward. Please send me a list of which callings are significant and which ones are weenie so I can adjust my attitude accordingly. That expression really chaps my hide, as it were.
So enough of my high horse. At least I got to watch in my jammies. In fact "watching" conference is a strong term for what I did this morning. I napped through a lot today. I think it still counts but I missed a lot. I find when I am in my jammies and have had a good night's rest and I have a blanket, I can sleep no matter what. Especially when older men in dull suits are talking with very little voice inflection and humor that requires highly tunes scientific instruments to detect. Six more months before jammie church again.
Well, enough of this silliness. I get to work from home tomorrow because my counterpart, the one who is training me, is off on a vacation day. I will try to get dressed or I will just sleep the day away.
Woof.
It has been rainy and lame here lately. I have been traveling up to Vancouver, WA (you know , the place where you have to pump your own gas) and the traveling in the rain is totally lame. I have been so used to the wonderful summer weather that I forgot how lame it is to drive in the rain. Oh well, in another 6 months or so it will stop again.
We just finished watching conference. (There's 10 hours I'll never get back - Just kidding) It was good as usual. I still have my little freaky buttons. I wish two things.
1. Please get off the "you must wear a white shirt and tie to pass the sacrament" thing. I wish someone would at least acknowledge that personal worthiness is important, or at least as important as the white shirt. It seems like they only talk about the white shirt, much more than any discussion about personal worthiness.
B. Quit using the phrase "important calling" when you talk about what people do in the church. Jay Jensen mentioned how important it was to give single women "significant" callings in the ward. Please send me a list of which callings are significant and which ones are weenie so I can adjust my attitude accordingly. That expression really chaps my hide, as it were.
So enough of my high horse. At least I got to watch in my jammies. In fact "watching" conference is a strong term for what I did this morning. I napped through a lot today. I think it still counts but I missed a lot. I find when I am in my jammies and have had a good night's rest and I have a blanket, I can sleep no matter what. Especially when older men in dull suits are talking with very little voice inflection and humor that requires highly tunes scientific instruments to detect. Six more months before jammie church again.
Well, enough of this silliness. I get to work from home tomorrow because my counterpart, the one who is training me, is off on a vacation day. I will try to get dressed or I will just sleep the day away.
Woof.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Litigation Shcmitigation
It is over. I left Progressive to become the baddest Lit manager in Farmers history. Now after anout a year I am no longer the Litigation manager. Now I get to see if I will enjoy my new career or just confirm I've made the miggest mistake of my life. Well, not the biggest mistake. That no-interest derivative mortgage jumbo loan I invested the ward's tithing money in last week seems to be a bad decision as well. Who knew. It seemed like a lock for big money.
I cleared out my desk and wiped all the dust bunnies off of my desk and piled all my stuff in a corner. I will be working out of the Vancouver office for the next week. Then I can't decide if I will work from home or find another office I can plan in. I like the idea of getting up and not getting out of the jammies, just turn on the laptop and act like I'm working. Oh sure, about 11 or so (after Price is Right) I will get serious and ruin some poor adjusters life by auditing the living poo out of a file or two, then it's nap time. You have to pace yourself. No reason to burn out too early. Or perhaps I have no idea just how seriously busy I will be. Likely the latter. I will, of course, let you all know what I decide on the blog. The tuxedo'd Pup will let you know.
The one thing I will miss from the litigation position is all the ridiculous allegations in the complaints filed. There was one suit - Mom died and left her two sons a parcel of land, which she split downn the middle. There was a garage that was on the property line. Son 1 wanted to sell his property, son 2 didn't want to but son 1 needed the garage thing resolved. Son 2 took took a chainsaw and cut the damned thing in half, right along the property line. Then, to provide the piece de resistence, took out a jack hammer and chiseled out his portion of the foundation. You just can't make up crap like that. There are a few more that are of a sexual nature that I will share in another setting. The tux Pup is not R rated.
Go Cougars. BCS busters - I hope.
I cleared out my desk and wiped all the dust bunnies off of my desk and piled all my stuff in a corner. I will be working out of the Vancouver office for the next week. Then I can't decide if I will work from home or find another office I can plan in. I like the idea of getting up and not getting out of the jammies, just turn on the laptop and act like I'm working. Oh sure, about 11 or so (after Price is Right) I will get serious and ruin some poor adjusters life by auditing the living poo out of a file or two, then it's nap time. You have to pace yourself. No reason to burn out too early. Or perhaps I have no idea just how seriously busy I will be. Likely the latter. I will, of course, let you all know what I decide on the blog. The tuxedo'd Pup will let you know.
The one thing I will miss from the litigation position is all the ridiculous allegations in the complaints filed. There was one suit - Mom died and left her two sons a parcel of land, which she split downn the middle. There was a garage that was on the property line. Son 1 wanted to sell his property, son 2 didn't want to but son 1 needed the garage thing resolved. Son 2 took took a chainsaw and cut the damned thing in half, right along the property line. Then, to provide the piece de resistence, took out a jack hammer and chiseled out his portion of the foundation. You just can't make up crap like that. There are a few more that are of a sexual nature that I will share in another setting. The tux Pup is not R rated.
Go Cougars. BCS busters - I hope.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Long time no blog
Well, I guess I really didn't kow what I was getting into when I said I would blog. I realize my life is ordinary but maybe I didn't realize just how ordinary I feel my life really is. I come home each night and think, "Did I really do anything blog-worthy today?" That is digno de blog for all of you in spanish land. I live an ordinary life. I go to work. I work. Then I come home and work a little more. I ride my bike in the morning. I eat my regular cereal and test my blood sugar twice a day. I take my shot of insulin at night.
There you have it. My entire life in a paragraph.
Replay it every night - that is my life.
OK a few new things. I was in San Diego last week for three day(4 nights). It was lovely. I went to the beach Sunday evening when I arrived and it was nice. Not a lot of people out because it waas a little chilly. It was only chilly if you live in San Diego. For us Oregonians it was the best weather ever so I hung out for about an hour. Then I finally got out of my meetings on the last day and went to the beachh again. It was even better because it was earlier in the day and I got to hang out a few more minutes. Warm weather and surfers and everything. I wish I could afford to live in San Diego - best weather all year long but a bit pricey.
When I was down in SD I was chillin' with my new audit people. We started the day at 8AM and we diligently talked about auditing until about 5PM. Then the people they were training went home and we, the managers, stayed for what I thought would be a few more minutes to wrap up some details. It turns out there were many details to talk about. Not only did we talk about them. We repeated them until I wanted to puke and watch my own head explode. These guys like to talk about audits. Go figure - auditors wo want to talk about audits. Since I'm the new guy on the block I can't really say - "Hey, let's go do something else." So I sat there and tried to keep the glossy lookk out of my eyes until I could get in my own car and scream , at the top of my lungs, "What the F*^&^%$$ is going on." I waited until I was far enough away that no one would see my eyes bugging out of my head. It did get better the next few nights but that first night I wanted to staple my knee caps.
Faye and I got new callings at church. She and I get to go to the singles ward for the next 18 months and fellowship inactive young adults. This should be interesting. I get out of my calling as Scout Committee Chairman and Faye is released from her sentence in the nursery. It will be interestiing to be away from our regular (it eats lot of roughage) ward but we will give it a shot.
So there you have it. I blogged. Yo Bloge.
See you all soon. Or not. Whatever.
There you have it. My entire life in a paragraph.
Replay it every night - that is my life.
OK a few new things. I was in San Diego last week for three day(4 nights). It was lovely. I went to the beach Sunday evening when I arrived and it was nice. Not a lot of people out because it waas a little chilly. It was only chilly if you live in San Diego. For us Oregonians it was the best weather ever so I hung out for about an hour. Then I finally got out of my meetings on the last day and went to the beachh again. It was even better because it was earlier in the day and I got to hang out a few more minutes. Warm weather and surfers and everything. I wish I could afford to live in San Diego - best weather all year long but a bit pricey.
When I was down in SD I was chillin' with my new audit people. We started the day at 8AM and we diligently talked about auditing until about 5PM. Then the people they were training went home and we, the managers, stayed for what I thought would be a few more minutes to wrap up some details. It turns out there were many details to talk about. Not only did we talk about them. We repeated them until I wanted to puke and watch my own head explode. These guys like to talk about audits. Go figure - auditors wo want to talk about audits. Since I'm the new guy on the block I can't really say - "Hey, let's go do something else." So I sat there and tried to keep the glossy lookk out of my eyes until I could get in my own car and scream , at the top of my lungs, "What the F*^&^%$$ is going on." I waited until I was far enough away that no one would see my eyes bugging out of my head. It did get better the next few nights but that first night I wanted to staple my knee caps.
Faye and I got new callings at church. She and I get to go to the singles ward for the next 18 months and fellowship inactive young adults. This should be interesting. I get out of my calling as Scout Committee Chairman and Faye is released from her sentence in the nursery. It will be interestiing to be away from our regular (it eats lot of roughage) ward but we will give it a shot.
So there you have it. I blogged. Yo Bloge.
See you all soon. Or not. Whatever.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Life as an auditor
I officially got the job last week. It even comes with a raise. I am pricing fur sinks as we speak. I officially start the job on October 1 but I get to go to San Diego (Del Mar) for most of the week of 9/22 for training and stuff. I sure wish I could stay in Portland and work my old job rather than having to spend a week in San Diego. For those of you who just aren't that bright, that last sentence was to be read with extreme sarcasm. Now read it again - out loud. I'll wait.
Uh Huh. Now, wasn't that much better. I thought so.
I also just realized (last week really but who cares) that I still have all of my budget for my last job. So, next week we are all going to Cheesecake Factory and ordering like maniacs. My boss specifically said we could spend it any way we like. I like cheesecake and I am ordering a big one. Or maybe two. Perhaps a trip to Guitart Warehouse for dessert?
Matt is off to school. While waiting in line two new students were in line as well. One asked Matt where he was from. "Oregon" he responded.
"Where's that?" was her retort. Matt thought for a while not knowing how to respond to a question the answer to was so obvious. He thought it was fairly obvious where Oregon was. The other roommate quickly told the other that it was a largish state just north of California. So there was learning in Rexburg even before school started. Good thing we weren't from Michigan of one of those difficult states. In her defense she was from Louisiana.
Blog off.
Uh Huh. Now, wasn't that much better. I thought so.
I also just realized (last week really but who cares) that I still have all of my budget for my last job. So, next week we are all going to Cheesecake Factory and ordering like maniacs. My boss specifically said we could spend it any way we like. I like cheesecake and I am ordering a big one. Or maybe two. Perhaps a trip to Guitart Warehouse for dessert?
Matt is off to school. While waiting in line two new students were in line as well. One asked Matt where he was from. "Oregon" he responded.
"Where's that?" was her retort. Matt thought for a while not knowing how to respond to a question the answer to was so obvious. He thought it was fairly obvious where Oregon was. The other roommate quickly told the other that it was a largish state just north of California. So there was learning in Rexburg even before school started. Good thing we weren't from Michigan of one of those difficult states. In her defense she was from Louisiana.
Blog off.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Church as a High Priest
It was inevitable. I became to old to stay an Elder and was moved into the High Priest group. It was lovely to be ordained by my father. One of those special experiences in life.
Then I went and met with the high priests. We had a discussion. Well, actually it wasn;t much of a discussion as a bunch of crotchety old men waiting for thier turn to "tell it like it is" to the rest of us. The poor instructor gets out the initial thought and then I watched as 16 men raised their hands to tell it like it really was. It was both hilarious and sad. I used to enjoy the discussions we had in Elders Quorum. This is like scriptural ambush each Sunday. It is lots of fun.
Matt is off to Rexburg on Wednesday. Faye is flying up to SLC with him so I will be alone at home for 2 nights. So I will need to get a few boxes of Cap'n Crunch and I'll be good. My inner bachelor comes out and I am ready to eat sugary ceral and fart at will. In fact, that second thing happens regularly(rim shot) at our house. So think of Matt and I'll light a match.
Then I went and met with the high priests. We had a discussion. Well, actually it wasn;t much of a discussion as a bunch of crotchety old men waiting for thier turn to "tell it like it is" to the rest of us. The poor instructor gets out the initial thought and then I watched as 16 men raised their hands to tell it like it really was. It was both hilarious and sad. I used to enjoy the discussions we had in Elders Quorum. This is like scriptural ambush each Sunday. It is lots of fun.
Matt is off to Rexburg on Wednesday. Faye is flying up to SLC with him so I will be alone at home for 2 nights. So I will need to get a few boxes of Cap'n Crunch and I'll be good. My inner bachelor comes out and I am ready to eat sugary ceral and fart at will. In fact, that second thing happens regularly(rim shot) at our house. So think of Matt and I'll light a match.
Friday, August 29, 2008
OK already - I'll blog some more
Well, It turns out I may be an auditing manager after all. I went to the interview on Monday and came away thinking these guys must think I'm a complete botard given the responses they had to my interview questions. However, the grapevine (it is extensive here at Farmers) seems to indicate I am going to be offered the job in a matter of days, as soon as the paperwork is cleared. So I will still get to work in Portland or at home or wherever, but will have to do a little more travel around the country. So I will start gathering frequent flier miles and see if I can cash in on some free trips in the future.
Matt finally got a job his last week in town. That is the good news. The rest of the story is that he gets to clean a bakery from 5:30 PM to 2:00 AM each night until Saturday. At least it is work and he is a trooper for putting up with it and working hard each evening. He willl now go into the Fall and Winter terms with a little more spending money and we sleep easier each night (without any kids in our house) knowing he has a few extra dollars to spend to keep the thriving Rexberg economy vibrant.
College football season is starting Saturday and, if all goes well, BYU will soundly trounce Northern Iowa Technical College of Secretarial Skills and Fruit Stand by a combined score of 1,301 to 4. I presume they will got both safeties in the 4th quarter. If, perchance, they lose, my life will be over and I will start rooting for some otherwise lame-ass team like Oregon or Utah. This is my favorite time of year. I love watching the rankings and the rivalries and the gret matchups. I used to think it was a purer game than the pros but that is rapidly fading. I still like it a lot. I like the fact that there are 117 division 1A schools and there are a zillion games each week.
So there - I blogged.
I will try to be more consistent in the future. This is kind of likemy journal. I start one and write consistently for a week. Then there is a two week gap and I wrote twice more. Then a year and one more entry. Then it sits in a box in the garage(car hole) with the other failed attempts to keep a valid journal. oh well.
Matt finally got a job his last week in town. That is the good news. The rest of the story is that he gets to clean a bakery from 5:30 PM to 2:00 AM each night until Saturday. At least it is work and he is a trooper for putting up with it and working hard each evening. He willl now go into the Fall and Winter terms with a little more spending money and we sleep easier each night (without any kids in our house) knowing he has a few extra dollars to spend to keep the thriving Rexberg economy vibrant.
College football season is starting Saturday and, if all goes well, BYU will soundly trounce Northern Iowa Technical College of Secretarial Skills and Fruit Stand by a combined score of 1,301 to 4. I presume they will got both safeties in the 4th quarter. If, perchance, they lose, my life will be over and I will start rooting for some otherwise lame-ass team like Oregon or Utah. This is my favorite time of year. I love watching the rankings and the rivalries and the gret matchups. I used to think it was a purer game than the pros but that is rapidly fading. I still like it a lot. I like the fact that there are 117 division 1A schools and there are a zillion games each week.
So there - I blogged.
I will try to be more consistent in the future. This is kind of likemy journal. I start one and write consistently for a week. Then there is a two week gap and I wrote twice more. Then a year and one more entry. Then it sits in a box in the garage(car hole) with the other failed attempts to keep a valid journal. oh well.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
My Kingdon for a temp job
Hello there. Long time no blog, eh?
I am frustrated. I have a child. He is a very large child and he eats a lot and still sleeps in my house. I would like him to work until he goes to college. He would like to work until he goes to college. No one out there in the real wage-paying world would like to hire him for the next few weeks to work and get money. He is frustrated. I am frustrated. Don't even get me started about how his mother is frustrated.
I mention the fact that he is essentially a hobo to everyone who will listen. I usually get then backed into some type of corner so they can't escape and I keep on talking about it. Well, I cornered Jim Muir ( in a corner) at a wedding reception (pasta/salad/mints/chocolate fountain) and he actually is going to have Matt do some sort ot beastly labor at his home for a few days. At least that is what he said. He actually called again this evening and said it again. So if he doesn't follow up I will be forced to say "Pants on fire" to him. I will keep you posted. I have a blog.
I have a garden at my house. I planted it. It is a very smll garden. It is actually two gardens since I have two very small parcels of dirt in my back yard that receive sunlight. The rest is hidden under the dense overgrowth of lodgepole pines in my yard. So I have tomatos, squash and pumkin plants in my two little plots. Lots of leaves and flowers on the squash and pumkins but no fruit/vegetables yet. I had one very small pumkin that was the size of an underachieving cherry tomato but it gave up and fell off the vine. "Oh little pumkin, don't leave your mother" I said to no avail. Stupid little pumkin. I will keep you updated on the veg froont as well.
I am a high priest. How did that happen? So anyway, I was in HP group this week for the very first time. In the Elders Quorum the lesson is a numbing experience with a teacher talking and very little interaction. The HP group is very different in our ward. With each topic, multiple hands shoot up to comment on the issue at hand. And each of them tells you what the real answer is. Topic - The Lord communicates with the church through his Prophets. Discussion - You know what the real issue is - Faith and fast offerings! I just sat back and wondered what I got myself into. It was clear these old guys had long ago been taught these concepts and they weren't about to be told that the Lord communicates to his prophets. They were going to take over the lesson at any cost. It should be fun. They should sell tickets.
Must run.
No diggety.
I am frustrated. I have a child. He is a very large child and he eats a lot and still sleeps in my house. I would like him to work until he goes to college. He would like to work until he goes to college. No one out there in the real wage-paying world would like to hire him for the next few weeks to work and get money. He is frustrated. I am frustrated. Don't even get me started about how his mother is frustrated.
I mention the fact that he is essentially a hobo to everyone who will listen. I usually get then backed into some type of corner so they can't escape and I keep on talking about it. Well, I cornered Jim Muir ( in a corner) at a wedding reception (pasta/salad/mints/chocolate fountain) and he actually is going to have Matt do some sort ot beastly labor at his home for a few days. At least that is what he said. He actually called again this evening and said it again. So if he doesn't follow up I will be forced to say "Pants on fire" to him. I will keep you posted. I have a blog.
I have a garden at my house. I planted it. It is a very smll garden. It is actually two gardens since I have two very small parcels of dirt in my back yard that receive sunlight. The rest is hidden under the dense overgrowth of lodgepole pines in my yard. So I have tomatos, squash and pumkin plants in my two little plots. Lots of leaves and flowers on the squash and pumkins but no fruit/vegetables yet. I had one very small pumkin that was the size of an underachieving cherry tomato but it gave up and fell off the vine. "Oh little pumkin, don't leave your mother" I said to no avail. Stupid little pumkin. I will keep you updated on the veg froont as well.
I am a high priest. How did that happen? So anyway, I was in HP group this week for the very first time. In the Elders Quorum the lesson is a numbing experience with a teacher talking and very little interaction. The HP group is very different in our ward. With each topic, multiple hands shoot up to comment on the issue at hand. And each of them tells you what the real answer is. Topic - The Lord communicates with the church through his Prophets. Discussion - You know what the real issue is - Faith and fast offerings! I just sat back and wondered what I got myself into. It was clear these old guys had long ago been taught these concepts and they weren't about to be told that the Lord communicates to his prophets. They were going to take over the lesson at any cost. It should be fun. They should sell tickets.
Must run.
No diggety.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
New Loan - bad bank
We completed the refinance of the house today. Lovely people and a good rate and all the things you expect from financial people. It was very quick as well. Just the week before vacation and we closed today. I hear it is a good thing but I'm never quite sure.
One small glitch - I needed to get a specific amount of money so I could buyu into the cabin. When we closed the specific amount I needed was a little short. In fact I was $127 short. It's like - Hey, I need $20,000 and you are giving me $19, 873. Is it just me or did you fall short of my expectations here pal. I know it is a little thing but, what the hell, I needed $20,000 and I am a bit short. Oh, well.
Now the bank. Diane wrote is a check for $150 and our bank only coded it as $50 and send us a snarky letter saying, in essence, "How dare you" and you need to come in and rectify this. So Faye went in and confirmed and convinced them that it was indeed $150. This is when the bank, US Bank for those of you keeping score at home, failed big time. Even though it was their fault they essentially said, deal with it - get your daughter to send another check for $100 and it will all be fine. Now, Faye had not had the best day ever. In fact, it was bordering on a relatively crappy day and this was one of the camel straw things and she was not taking any shit from this penciil-neck at the bank. So she told him she wanted something for her time. SHe wanted $5 for her time and trouble. I wish I was there to watch. She eventually shamed him into giving her $5 for ehr time and trouble. I an pondering whether or not I am going to pull a Colonel Orme and march in there and make this guy cry. I think it is time to change banks - any ideas out there?
So there. I have blogged again.
Work is fun. I have been recommended to become an auditor. How exciting it will be to be shunned at all company events. It moight not be that bad. I still have to interview for it so nothing is set.
Must go and watch the Olympics and see if Michael Phelps can get hsi 18th gold medal.
One small glitch - I needed to get a specific amount of money so I could buyu into the cabin. When we closed the specific amount I needed was a little short. In fact I was $127 short. It's like - Hey, I need $20,000 and you are giving me $19, 873. Is it just me or did you fall short of my expectations here pal. I know it is a little thing but, what the hell, I needed $20,000 and I am a bit short. Oh, well.
Now the bank. Diane wrote is a check for $150 and our bank only coded it as $50 and send us a snarky letter saying, in essence, "How dare you" and you need to come in and rectify this. So Faye went in and confirmed and convinced them that it was indeed $150. This is when the bank, US Bank for those of you keeping score at home, failed big time. Even though it was their fault they essentially said, deal with it - get your daughter to send another check for $100 and it will all be fine. Now, Faye had not had the best day ever. In fact, it was bordering on a relatively crappy day and this was one of the camel straw things and she was not taking any shit from this penciil-neck at the bank. So she told him she wanted something for her time. SHe wanted $5 for her time and trouble. I wish I was there to watch. She eventually shamed him into giving her $5 for ehr time and trouble. I an pondering whether or not I am going to pull a Colonel Orme and march in there and make this guy cry. I think it is time to change banks - any ideas out there?
So there. I have blogged again.
Work is fun. I have been recommended to become an auditor. How exciting it will be to be shunned at all company events. It moight not be that bad. I still have to interview for it so nothing is set.
Must go and watch the Olympics and see if Michael Phelps can get hsi 18th gold medal.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Jury Duty
It has finally happened. After 8 years of voter registration, I have been picked as juror 297 to dole our some justice Orme style to the good citizens and ne'er do wells of Washington county. I can hardly wait. I will report for my civil duty September 10 and plan on being there for a few hours. When they find out I work for Farmers I will be one of the first dismissed and I will be back to work by Noon. That is my guess anyway.
Lovely weather here in Oregon. It didn't even break 80 this weekend. How can I complain. And yet I did. Hard to believe the whiner I am.
I am actually typing this at work. It is 8:42 AM and I have a business review at 9:00 AM. I just think this is more important. I just wish I had more to say. I have been sleepy this past few days because, damn NBC, they show the Olympics until midnight and I have to watch. Even if I knew Michael Phelps was going to win that 2nd gold I still had to watch. I'm like that and I suppose much of America is also.
Must go and work now. Damn the man!
Lovely weather here in Oregon. It didn't even break 80 this weekend. How can I complain. And yet I did. Hard to believe the whiner I am.
I am actually typing this at work. It is 8:42 AM and I have a business review at 9:00 AM. I just think this is more important. I just wish I had more to say. I have been sleepy this past few days because, damn NBC, they show the Olympics until midnight and I have to watch. Even if I knew Michael Phelps was going to win that 2nd gold I still had to watch. I'm like that and I suppose much of America is also.
Must go and work now. Damn the man!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Back Home - A very long drive
Note to self - Even though I am a guy, it is totally awsome to have someone else drive while I sleep in the back seat. Second note to self - make sure there are only three people on the car trip so you can have the entire back seat to yourself/myself.
I loved it when I drove to Tremonten, then woke up in Twin Falls. I drove to Mountain Home and woke up near Baker City. Drove to LeGrand and woke up in nearly home. All in all a huge amount of napping and minimal amount of drive time. Choice!!
So there you have it. I got home and I was only awake for about 5 hours.
So I got back to work and all my work and mail and e-mails were all taken care of. It was the greatest. I only had to work about 5 hours and got home early. Not really.
I have 107 e-mails and 900 fires to put out. And I get to fill in for my boss for the next three weeks. I love the opportunity I have to work. This sweat of my brow stuff is fabulous.
I know being filthy rich is a sure fire way to ruin your life but I would like an opportunity to get filthy - even if only fro a few days or decades.
So we are back in Portland.
The A/C still works - which is good because it is hot here - like Utah hot.
More to come.
I loved it when I drove to Tremonten, then woke up in Twin Falls. I drove to Mountain Home and woke up near Baker City. Drove to LeGrand and woke up in nearly home. All in all a huge amount of napping and minimal amount of drive time. Choice!!
So there you have it. I got home and I was only awake for about 5 hours.
So I got back to work and all my work and mail and e-mails were all taken care of. It was the greatest. I only had to work about 5 hours and got home early. Not really.
I have 107 e-mails and 900 fires to put out. And I get to fill in for my boss for the next three weeks. I love the opportunity I have to work. This sweat of my brow stuff is fabulous.
I know being filthy rich is a sure fire way to ruin your life but I would like an opportunity to get filthy - even if only fro a few days or decades.
So we are back in Portland.
The A/C still works - which is good because it is hot here - like Utah hot.
More to come.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Fishing, The lovely, Lovely breeze
I love the cabin when it is not too hot. This is primarly due to the breezes flipping through the trees. However, when a person, such as myself, tries to fly fish, those lovely breezes make casting impossible. The whole point of fly fishing is the cleverly lay the fake fly in front of a fish so the fish tries to eat it. This is rather difficult when a person such as myself has to flail around in the river trying to cast fishing line against the wind - you remember those lovely breezes.
Well, today I went the river and realized after I had tried to cast for about 45 minutes - 43 of those minutes were spent untangling my line, that it was futile. Kind of like hoping the price of gas will ever come down.
So that is how I spent my last day of fishing at the cabin. Oh well.
We are leaving tomorrow so there. Off the the cleaning list.
Well, today I went the river and realized after I had tried to cast for about 45 minutes - 43 of those minutes were spent untangling my line, that it was futile. Kind of like hoping the price of gas will ever come down.
So that is how I spent my last day of fishing at the cabin. Oh well.
We are leaving tomorrow so there. Off the the cleaning list.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Yellowstone Park - Son of
We went again. Like crazy fools, we went again. Sam and Tamsen went home about 3PM. I had fished and, Yes, I conquered to the tune of three fish - two large and one small and stupid. But we went back to the park and went north to Norris. The car tried to turn left when it saw the Old Faithful sign but I was able to control it with my mind, and the steering wheel. We went with the intent to see the grand canyon and the falls. We saw two( dos for my spanish speaking friends) magnificent bull elk casually grazing. They were tuteando, hard to believe. Then on the the Falls. We made a wrong turn and Albuquerque and ended up at the brink of the upper falls. It was totally cool and we were dangerously close to falling in and plummeting to instant death. Thanks heavens, for you, I missed and was able to drive away. We thhen went the the artist point for the lower falls. Where has this been my whole life. It was tremendous and beautiful and very crowded. It was very cool. But, really, once you've seen one waterfall you've seen them all so it was off in search of Bison.
On the Hayden Valley and were saw literally 3's of elk. Then we saw dozens and then multiple dozens of elk. Cool but still no Bison. So we drove and off in the distance we saw singleton Buffs but no herd. We ended up going too Fishing Bridge and saw a few more singleton Buffs and mailed a few post cards. Well (for those of you familiar with foreshadowing, there is good things a comin') we were on our way out of Fishing Bridge when,m lo and behold, a largish bison was meandering west on the bridge. Needless to say it was quite nifty and we sang buffalo caroles all the way home. Yet, still, in the back of my mind there was still a moose dearth, nary a moose antler was seen. So we drove back looking at every local moose hangout and tavern but with no success. We were almost back to Island Park when moose dreams come true - there were three of them on the side of the road frolicking, yes frolicking, near a fence. You know in James Bond movies when the car is going 95 MPH and Jimmy is able to slam on the brakes and get the car turned around, well I don't know how to do that but I wanted to. We turned around and went backk and tok photos and everything. These were three very photogenic meece. Diane did the honors and will share when we return to civilization.
So now we are back at the cabin and are going to play Bacarat again. This will make like 6 times so far.
If Isaac is reading, we listened the the tape "I am a Mormon" and I laughes so hard six gunny bears emerged from my nose. What a load that is.
See you all soon. Very soon.
On the Hayden Valley and were saw literally 3's of elk. Then we saw dozens and then multiple dozens of elk. Cool but still no Bison. So we drove and off in the distance we saw singleton Buffs but no herd. We ended up going too Fishing Bridge and saw a few more singleton Buffs and mailed a few post cards. Well (for those of you familiar with foreshadowing, there is good things a comin') we were on our way out of Fishing Bridge when,m lo and behold, a largish bison was meandering west on the bridge. Needless to say it was quite nifty and we sang buffalo caroles all the way home. Yet, still, in the back of my mind there was still a moose dearth, nary a moose antler was seen. So we drove back looking at every local moose hangout and tavern but with no success. We were almost back to Island Park when moose dreams come true - there were three of them on the side of the road frolicking, yes frolicking, near a fence. You know in James Bond movies when the car is going 95 MPH and Jimmy is able to slam on the brakes and get the car turned around, well I don't know how to do that but I wanted to. We turned around and went backk and tok photos and everything. These were three very photogenic meece. Diane did the honors and will share when we return to civilization.
So now we are back at the cabin and are going to play Bacarat again. This will make like 6 times so far.
If Isaac is reading, we listened the the tape "I am a Mormon" and I laughes so hard six gunny bears emerged from my nose. What a load that is.
See you all soon. Very soon.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Cabin Church
We just got back froom cabin church. I huge conglomeration of small children and SUVs. Both were very noisy. A young man left on his mission to mexico.
We came back to the cabin and are busily lounging around and eating - two very important tasks in northeast Idaho. That and dodging moose.
At the park yesterday we were sitting in the Old Faithful lodge waiting for the eruption and a small squirrel came in and made himself (I presume he was a boy) at home at our table and ate some of our baked lays potota chips. It is always funny to me to watch a squirrel eat people food. I would be like me eating a 6 foot chip.
More to come as the vacation proceeds.
We came back to the cabin and are busily lounging around and eating - two very important tasks in northeast Idaho. That and dodging moose.
At the park yesterday we were sitting in the Old Faithful lodge waiting for the eruption and a small squirrel came in and made himself (I presume he was a boy) at home at our table and ate some of our baked lays potota chips. It is always funny to me to watch a squirrel eat people food. I would be like me eating a 6 foot chip.
More to come as the vacation proceeds.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
