The Porch from Hell

As some of you may know, I am replacing the front porch to my small imitation home in Tualatin. A nice man from our ward came to the house and told Faye multiple times that the front steps to our porch were a death trap and he would love to help me replace it. I finally relented and called him to discuss the possibility of his helping me replace my porch. Well, he had computer drawings and three options before I could say "incomptetent" (and I am referring to myself here.) When I say he helped me, he did all the work and I watched and handed him tools.

Well, he and I reviewed the drawings and finally agreed on option three (remember this because it is a key part of the story later.) He gave me a list of lumber and hardware to purchase and assured me he would come over the Saturday after conference and we would put the porch together before the HP social at 4:30 PM. (Note the omminous music starting to build in the background)

Well, he arrived and the house at 7:30 AM last Saturday and got all of his tools out of his car and set up shop. We tore apart the old porch - that was a lot of fun. I love taking stuff apart. It was done in just a few minutes. He has great tools. I have boy tools - his tools are big-boy man tools and have genitals of their own. It was fast. Then he took a look at the lumber I had purchased. Those of you familiar with foreshadowing will knoe what happens next. I had the wrong wood. It was like it didn't even come from trees. How could a person who went to school and could drive a car pick wood like this. I could hear his eyes rolling back in his head. This wood would not do and we needed to replace it immediately. People who know me know I own two cars, neither of them is a lumber-toting vehicle. I don't think either of my cars could pack anything larger than lincoln logs. So I had to call a friend in the ward who owns a pickup truck. After dialing the wrong number - twice (remember this is before 8AM)- I was able to get ahold of Steve Beikman and I borriwed his truck-like vehicle. I know I don't even have a truck and havce to covet his truck, but this vehicle was a pile of it. It was an eventful trip to Home depot and back. But the good news is, we had the right type of wood. It was beautiful wood, it was the right size, it was very expensive. Oh, option three was not the right option, it was option 1 - I just didn't realize until we were purchasing all new wood.

So, meanwhile, back at the house, there was a large space where my porch used to be and I was wondering which of the many neighborhood kids was trying to knock on my door becoming seriously injured and planning the lawsuit. We got back home and were able to finally start on the porch. Hahahahahah you are such a dope. Of course we could not start on the deck. The joists and nails I purchased were not hot dipped. Apparently, in the old days when our pioneer forefathers were small, people made porches and decks with galvanized nails. In our modern times, it appears that galvanized nails are only used to nail old dog turds to the fence. It was not an option to construct my porch with galvanized nails, thay had to be hot dipped. And don't get me started on the joists. So this time we sent Faye back to Home Depot to get the hot dipped stuff and he went back to his house under the guise of getting some additional tools and stuff. I'm sure he went back home, called all of his friends, and told them all what a baloney-for-brains I was. They all got a huge kick out of the galvanized nails story, I'm sure. HE called then on a hot-dipped phone.

An hour or so later we were back at the house, hot-dipped nails in hand and the right joists in the other - ready to start making a porch. Remember, this story is about building a porch. It is now 11Am and we are ready to start putting a porch where the big porch hole is now. We actually started cutting the very nice wood and made a rough frame for the porch. We hung joists (insert your own joke here) and it was quite sturdy. Well, I was feeling kind of manly all the sudden and felt like we just might build a porch. We stopped for lunch. We had sandwiches. It was great.

Then we started to cut out the risers, the actual steps for the porch. He cut the first one and it was wrong. Luckily it was cut out of the 2x12x12 ft boards, the most expensive and hardest to transport. Well, I ran to the store to get another expensive board. Keep count at home - this was trip number three. So we eventually got all five risers cut out and I was thinking maybe we could really get going on the porch. Well, by this time he was tired and it was time to go socialize with the high priests. So what I had left was an outline/frame where my porch used to be. It did keep the deacons from coming to collect fast offerings on Sunday, so we had that going for us.

Fast forward to this evening, Monday. He came by the house and he asked what the concrete bolts looked like. Go figure, I had the wrong ones. One more trip to Home Depot and I purchased more bolts and a drill bit. After that was purchased we started to connect the risers and after a long time we were actually ready to put the decking on and make the porch look like a porch. He took a look at the decking screws I had purchased. He had actually looked at the box if screws on Saturday and mentioned that we had more than enough to get the job done. Apparently he was just commenting on the quantity of screws, not the quality of them. Well, tonight he actually opened the box o' screws and advised me I have a brain made of anal lunchmeat because these screws were for composite deck material, not wood. We needed bugle head deck screws. He actually said that. He is probably telling his friends now "I told him to get bugle head deck screws, and he bought it.This guy is a maroon." We actually tried one and, to the untrained eye, I thought the deck screws were just fine. Well, I am a botard because he would not have any part of it. So my deck now has risers and nothing else. He said we needed stainless steel screws because - and at this point he said something about the type of wood and some other things but I didn't hear because I just wanted the damned porch to be done. So he is going to purchase some stainless steel screws at a cost just lower than white diamonds and he will put the final decking on when I am out of town the next few days.

So, what did I learn from this. I did not really purchase anything at all that we ended up using on the porch. I had the wrong nails, the wrong wood and the wrong bolts. I clearly have no idea what I am doing when it comes to building a porch. I mean, I would have put the decking on with the lame screws and there would have been little dimples in it. I also learned that anal lunch meat would be a good punk rock band name.

I will be going to Kansas City tomorrow and return Thursday evening late. I might have a new porch when I return. I might have a new house. I really don't know what to expect.
I'll let you know.