So it is hot here. For Portland, when it gets near 100 degrees we don't handle it well. The tree huggers look for cooler trees. The birds burst into flames in mid-flight. Hummingbirds overheat and Nuns are openly cursing in the streets. Oh, and our neighbors don't wear clothes. This evening (Sunday - the Sabbath of our Lord) our neighbors were in the back yard watering thier plants and playing with their dogs. Now for those of you who have not been to our house (and you know who you are), my house is about 15 feet higher than my back-yard neighbors house. We are on a hill. There is a street between us but we have a rather unobstructed view of our neighbors back yard from the entire south side of our house. This includes our dining room, kitchen, family room and two upstairs bedrooms. The upstairs bedrooms provide a particularly nice birds-eye view. So this eveing we even commented to each other that our neighbors appeared to be relatived well clad , given the heat and the fact that they were in the back yard. I went upstairs to play guitar (upstairs bedroom facing south) and was just getting started when Mr. Happydangler walked out in the back yard sans clothes. His wife was slightly more discreet only because she was not dangling. She was equally unclad and they were having the time of their lives playing with the dogs and barbequing dinner. (For the men reading this I know what you are thinking - Does this not pose an unneccesarily dangerous risk for winky-burns? The hot splatter of barbeque sauce alone causes me to wince.) At any rate we had quite the show for about an hour. Thankfully they finally decided to spend the rest of their quality nude time, QNT, indoors and we have not seen them for the rest of the evening.
Now the question arises - what, if anything, is to be done about all of this? I don't really mind if my neighbors are nudists. Let them run around naked all they want. My kids are old enough and I could really care less. Now our other neighhbors have young kids but they can raise thier concerns if they want. The only thing I might object to is - what if I decide I need to sell my house anytime soon. I would like to talk to them and create some sort of signal that indicates we are showing the house and could you please cover your naughty bits until the signal changes. Possibly a flag that is noticeable from our house to theirs. Or maybe a light in the shape of naked older droopy people. It would be like the Bat Light except much worse. Perhaps just the flag.
So there you have it. Naked neighbors. Life is that exciting in Portland, They should sell tickets.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
SO Long QA - Hello Portland Liability Manager
Well, it happened. As it does in life, sometimes you just have to be careful what you interview for. I interviewed for and was offered the position as the Liability Claims Manager (that's LCM for the acronymially challenged) and I am not sure when I officially start. I have a plane ticket to Baltimore on August 10 so I will likely return from that trip and begin my new life. At least I don't have to move to get the job I wanted. That is the good news. The bad news is now I have to get dressed every morning and actually go to an office to work. It has been so nice being able to roll out of bed looking like death on a Ritz and start working. No one need know how awful(comfortable) I look. Now I have to be presentable and enthusiastic when I am working. I will get used to it but I want you all to feel badly for me just for a moment. .... That was long enough.
Life is going to get very warm for us Portlanders in the next few days. I know many of you live in places that regularly see temperatures in the 100's but we Oregonians are not used to it and we like to complain when it gets hot. So I will now complain for the next three pages about how hot it is going to get and how much I hate it and blah blah blah. Actually, we have AC so it is not so awful. Some of our neighbors, in much nicer looking houses than ours, do nothave AC and I will relish looking out at thier swelterling bodies as I wave at them with my sweater-clad arm and mimic that I am really quite chilly inside my igloo-esque residence. The little joys I can squeeze from life are fabulous.
We are going to be driving up to Salt Lake on the Saturday before Labor Day to drop off Kevin so one of his syblings can drive him to Rexturd for school. We will also be dropping off (just a figure of speech - we are not actually going to drop it) a piano for Diane. It is the early paino that Faye had from before we were married. Of course, the post-marital piano is half mine due to community property laws in Oregon so she couldn't give that one away legally. Sure we are married but you always have to keep up to date on the legal stuff. And by the way, that community property thing does not apply to guitars. I checked it out. Trust me, I'm a claims manager. So we will be up in Salt Lake/Orem for the evening of that Saturday and then driving again that Sunday back to lovely Portland which should be much cooler by then. So there. It will be like our third trip tp Utah this year and we will have stayed a combined 4 days. Life is so stupid sometimes. Actually we are going to be in Utahr on Thanksgiving as well. We finally broke down and are travelling to where the family will be since we will have none left around Portland. We are flying in Thanksgiving afternoon and leaving Saturday eveing. Again we seem to have a hard time staying in Utah. Getting there doesn't seem to be an issue. We just can't seem to stick for any length of time. So get your card playing/game playing selfs ready and we should have a great albeit short time together.
So there. Another blog. It's hard to believe, ain't it.
Life is going to get very warm for us Portlanders in the next few days. I know many of you live in places that regularly see temperatures in the 100's but we Oregonians are not used to it and we like to complain when it gets hot. So I will now complain for the next three pages about how hot it is going to get and how much I hate it and blah blah blah. Actually, we have AC so it is not so awful. Some of our neighbors, in much nicer looking houses than ours, do nothave AC and I will relish looking out at thier swelterling bodies as I wave at them with my sweater-clad arm and mimic that I am really quite chilly inside my igloo-esque residence. The little joys I can squeeze from life are fabulous.
We are going to be driving up to Salt Lake on the Saturday before Labor Day to drop off Kevin so one of his syblings can drive him to Rexturd for school. We will also be dropping off (just a figure of speech - we are not actually going to drop it) a piano for Diane. It is the early paino that Faye had from before we were married. Of course, the post-marital piano is half mine due to community property laws in Oregon so she couldn't give that one away legally. Sure we are married but you always have to keep up to date on the legal stuff. And by the way, that community property thing does not apply to guitars. I checked it out. Trust me, I'm a claims manager. So we will be up in Salt Lake/Orem for the evening of that Saturday and then driving again that Sunday back to lovely Portland which should be much cooler by then. So there. It will be like our third trip tp Utah this year and we will have stayed a combined 4 days. Life is so stupid sometimes. Actually we are going to be in Utahr on Thanksgiving as well. We finally broke down and are travelling to where the family will be since we will have none left around Portland. We are flying in Thanksgiving afternoon and leaving Saturday eveing. Again we seem to have a hard time staying in Utah. Getting there doesn't seem to be an issue. We just can't seem to stick for any length of time. So get your card playing/game playing selfs ready and we should have a great albeit short time together.
So there. Another blog. It's hard to believe, ain't it.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Baltimore Part Dos
You all know how often I write in the consarned blog so this must be a record. I am sitting on a plane returning from Baltimore. My seat buddies are wondering just what it was this guy (me) ate to cause the noxious fumes that are emanating from my seat cushion. You all remember my discussion of crabs from yesterday. Well, I’m told they were Maryland Blue Crabs but I presume there was a few Chesapeake Farters in there as well because I am really feeling it at 39,000 feet. I blame the altitude.
Anyway, as I sit in my fragrant repose, I am watching this nice older (but not dottering) woman making her way to the front lavatory. She walked past me and went straight to the cockpit door and tried to open it with all her might. The door to the lavatory is marked as such. In fact she has had to watch a steady stream of passengers going into it for the past 45 minutes. Maybe we all had crabs yesterday. Yet she is really trying to get into the cockpit. Perhaps she has insight into a special toilet up there that will fulfill her needs better than the space-age technology in the coach lavatory. This notwithstanding there are many signs on the cockpit door:
Flight Deck
Restricted Area
Prohibido La Entrada
Ifa you enter I gonna shoot you face ( for our Italian passengers)
Hey you Lady – get the f--- out of here
Are you f-gerund stupid – this is not the toilet.
Most of these signs are in bold lettering and are even in red.
These are all actual signs on the cockpit door. If I am lying may we all be struck by lightning at this very minute. OK that was lucky.
Life if full of these sorts of people. Last month I was traveling and the nice people at Southwest Airlines announced that the TSA police would be monitoring this flight so they will be at the end of the jetway and may talk to you before you enter the plane. Now, as a certified non-terrorist, I had no problem with this. I understand the need for these spot checks and such. So I am like the 2nd person to go down the jetway. As I get there a nice man in a police-looking suit asks me for my boarding pass and my ID. Now those of you familiar with Southwest Airlines will understand just how stupid this request was. I looked at him for a few moments and responded that I would not be able to comply with his request in its entirety. For as he should know, SWA takes your boarding pass from you when you enter the jetway and I did not have it anymore. He looked at me for a few seconds and really had nothing more to say. This was our country’s response to heightened terror levels – to ask me for something they knew had just been taken from me not 20 seconds earlier. After reviewing my general demeanor he allowed me to board the plane as I appeared to pose no visible threat to him or any other person in the greater Phoenix airport. That guy has a gun. Unbelievable.
So there you go. I will try to remember to post this to the blog tomorrow morning since I had to change planes in Phoenix. Yes, I was on a flight from Baltimore through San Antonio through Phoenix to Portland. They announced just before Phoenix that they needed to put us all on a new piece of equipment (not sure why they can’t just say the plane has stopped working and we need to get you all on one that does.) So we got in the supposedly new plane and went on our way. Of course this took an hour or so. When I got in my seat there were McDonalds wrappers on the floor and in the seat pocket. They told us that this plane had been in a hangar all day and was in tip top shape. Apparently the workers in the hangar like to hang out in the plane and eat lunch. This did not inspire my confidence in SWA or in the plane. At any rate the plane seems to be working quite nicely (it has not plummeted from the sky) and I hope to make it in to Portland just about an hour late.
So there you have it. A second blog in as many days. Cherish it – it will never happen again.
.
Anyway, as I sit in my fragrant repose, I am watching this nice older (but not dottering) woman making her way to the front lavatory. She walked past me and went straight to the cockpit door and tried to open it with all her might. The door to the lavatory is marked as such. In fact she has had to watch a steady stream of passengers going into it for the past 45 minutes. Maybe we all had crabs yesterday. Yet she is really trying to get into the cockpit. Perhaps she has insight into a special toilet up there that will fulfill her needs better than the space-age technology in the coach lavatory. This notwithstanding there are many signs on the cockpit door:
Flight Deck
Restricted Area
Prohibido La Entrada
Ifa you enter I gonna shoot you face ( for our Italian passengers)
Hey you Lady – get the f--- out of here
Are you f-gerund stupid – this is not the toilet.
Most of these signs are in bold lettering and are even in red.
These are all actual signs on the cockpit door. If I am lying may we all be struck by lightning at this very minute. OK that was lucky.
Life if full of these sorts of people. Last month I was traveling and the nice people at Southwest Airlines announced that the TSA police would be monitoring this flight so they will be at the end of the jetway and may talk to you before you enter the plane. Now, as a certified non-terrorist, I had no problem with this. I understand the need for these spot checks and such. So I am like the 2nd person to go down the jetway. As I get there a nice man in a police-looking suit asks me for my boarding pass and my ID. Now those of you familiar with Southwest Airlines will understand just how stupid this request was. I looked at him for a few moments and responded that I would not be able to comply with his request in its entirety. For as he should know, SWA takes your boarding pass from you when you enter the jetway and I did not have it anymore. He looked at me for a few seconds and really had nothing more to say. This was our country’s response to heightened terror levels – to ask me for something they knew had just been taken from me not 20 seconds earlier. After reviewing my general demeanor he allowed me to board the plane as I appeared to pose no visible threat to him or any other person in the greater Phoenix airport. That guy has a gun. Unbelievable.
So there you go. I will try to remember to post this to the blog tomorrow morning since I had to change planes in Phoenix. Yes, I was on a flight from Baltimore through San Antonio through Phoenix to Portland. They announced just before Phoenix that they needed to put us all on a new piece of equipment (not sure why they can’t just say the plane has stopped working and we need to get you all on one that does.) So we got in the supposedly new plane and went on our way. Of course this took an hour or so. When I got in my seat there were McDonalds wrappers on the floor and in the seat pocket. They told us that this plane had been in a hangar all day and was in tip top shape. Apparently the workers in the hangar like to hang out in the plane and eat lunch. This did not inspire my confidence in SWA or in the plane. At any rate the plane seems to be working quite nicely (it has not plummeted from the sky) and I hope to make it in to Portland just about an hour late.
So there you have it. A second blog in as many days. Cherish it – it will never happen again.
.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Baltimore, Eh?
I am in Baltimore for a few days and what is there really to do in Baltimore?
Well, I could go to an Orioles game. They're not in town.
I could go to a fancy restaurant and each crab like a cave man. I did that this evening with the Farmers guys and gals and I'm here to tell you - the smell does not go lightly into that still night. I have washed my hands numerous times and even rinsed them in lemon juice. It is the curse the crab leaves since I decided to eat him. Yes, I was told all of the crabs were men/males. I'm not sure if this is important to the crabs but I was told they were all male. I apologized to each of them as I cracked them with my crab hammer. My boss kept telling me it was a mallet but crab hammer sounded funnier. Also a good name for the band. Their first hit - I like my hot dogs hot.
The restaurant was in the worst neighborhood I have been in in a long time. It reminds me of Rochester but with more crack and whores. If Florida is America's dong, the Baltimore is the hemmorhoid on America's ass. It has a few blocks downtown that seem pretty cool but then you drive just a few blocks and you see the real Baltimore, hemmerhoidal warts and all. I would not like to live here.
I am excited to watch Harry Potter and the huge mega hit this Friday. I saw in USA Today that Harry is set to make $43 million for the last two movies. I wouldn't mind making $43 million. I would even loive in Baltimore for $43 million. Not for ever but for a little while. Everything has its price.
I applied for another job at Farmers. The guy who h ad m ore experience than me got it. I figured as much. I am now in line to get his old job which would be OK by me. I'll keep you informed. I figured it was time to stop working in my jammies. I need to remember what it is like to have a real job. Go to work and wear clothes and all. Otherwise I might find myself jammied and having a hard time going back to work.
Baltimore is hoit and humid as well. It also has mosquitos. And did I mention how ugly it is? Well let me mention it herre - Baltimore is ugly. It is old city grimy ugly at its core. I guess there might be nice suburbs but I haven't seen them.
And another thing - why do computers screw up for no reason. I returned from the cabin and my air card willnot function. I didn't use it in Idaho. It just decided to not work. Now I have to be on the phone with the help desk for the next thirteen days nonstop until someone can tell me that I need a new computer. That is my nickel bet. After they try to do a quintillion things to fix it they will say it is dead and I need a new one. Computers are great and all. They make my life easier when they work. When they hate me, as this one obviously does, they are a source of misery and woe. And woe is me. I will keep you informed on how the computer turns out. It might be four months but I will be back on line and let you all know.
Enough for now. I am in the hotel room and they are showing Batman for the 9th time on HBO and I feel I should watch it again and again and again.
The pup is out.
Well, I could go to an Orioles game. They're not in town.
I could go to a fancy restaurant and each crab like a cave man. I did that this evening with the Farmers guys and gals and I'm here to tell you - the smell does not go lightly into that still night. I have washed my hands numerous times and even rinsed them in lemon juice. It is the curse the crab leaves since I decided to eat him. Yes, I was told all of the crabs were men/males. I'm not sure if this is important to the crabs but I was told they were all male. I apologized to each of them as I cracked them with my crab hammer. My boss kept telling me it was a mallet but crab hammer sounded funnier. Also a good name for the band. Their first hit - I like my hot dogs hot.
The restaurant was in the worst neighborhood I have been in in a long time. It reminds me of Rochester but with more crack and whores. If Florida is America's dong, the Baltimore is the hemmorhoid on America's ass. It has a few blocks downtown that seem pretty cool but then you drive just a few blocks and you see the real Baltimore, hemmerhoidal warts and all. I would not like to live here.
I am excited to watch Harry Potter and the huge mega hit this Friday. I saw in USA Today that Harry is set to make $43 million for the last two movies. I wouldn't mind making $43 million. I would even loive in Baltimore for $43 million. Not for ever but for a little while. Everything has its price.
I applied for another job at Farmers. The guy who h ad m ore experience than me got it. I figured as much. I am now in line to get his old job which would be OK by me. I'll keep you informed. I figured it was time to stop working in my jammies. I need to remember what it is like to have a real job. Go to work and wear clothes and all. Otherwise I might find myself jammied and having a hard time going back to work.
Baltimore is hoit and humid as well. It also has mosquitos. And did I mention how ugly it is? Well let me mention it herre - Baltimore is ugly. It is old city grimy ugly at its core. I guess there might be nice suburbs but I haven't seen them.
And another thing - why do computers screw up for no reason. I returned from the cabin and my air card willnot function. I didn't use it in Idaho. It just decided to not work. Now I have to be on the phone with the help desk for the next thirteen days nonstop until someone can tell me that I need a new computer. That is my nickel bet. After they try to do a quintillion things to fix it they will say it is dead and I need a new one. Computers are great and all. They make my life easier when they work. When they hate me, as this one obviously does, they are a source of misery and woe. And woe is me. I will keep you informed on how the computer turns out. It might be four months but I will be back on line and let you all know.
Enough for now. I am in the hotel room and they are showing Batman for the 9th time on HBO and I feel I should watch it again and again and again.
The pup is out.
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