Nearly a porch

After another weekend (Saturday for you non-mormons) I still have not completed the porch. It has 2/3 of a railing now and is only marginally dangerous for those who venture the risks of actually approaching my door. I approximate that only one in five would actually hurt themsemves on the deck and of those, likely only one in three would take to time to sue me. I can live with those odds.

We started the day at 8:00 AM because deckers are not allowed to sleep in on the weekends. My poor neighbors have heard the whine/scream of a chop saw at 8 AM for the past three weekends. It's like the cock-a-doodle-doo from the Orme's house. Luckily most do not own handguns or I would be a dead duck. We went to the store shortly thereafter because the hardware and wood that I purchased for the remainder of the project were woefully understated. Can you believe it - I didn't even know they made stainless steel deck bolts in 3, 4 and 5 inch lengths. I thought hot dipped was all I had to do. I think not.

We also had to buy very nice cedar for the railing. I understood that, since people would be running their hands on this railing, it had to be the nicest cedar out there, the nicest cedar available to humankind. Cedar so nice each individual piece had to submit a business plan with graphs before it could even be cut down and considered for the position of my railing. Well, we went to the cedar botique and purused the cedar. It was a nice place. A man in a tuxedo brought us both a glass of champagne and had the cedar brought in to the office one at a time. All right, it wasn't quite that outrageous but it was close. Of course we looked at every piece of wood in the store and then chose the must humble 2x4 in the emporium. I should have been scared when there was no price marked near the wood bin. Well, after all was said and paid for I paid almost $22 for a 4 ft piece of wood. So if you come to my house and walk on my porch, plelase feel free to run your grubby little hands all over the railing because it contains part of my soul and some of my 401K. It does look nice though. However, the deck/porch is not done yet. We only got the main part of the railing done. At the top where it makes to two quick turns is still open and dangerous. I can't wait for halloween.

We have the platinum-grade cedar for the top railing and have it properly dove-tailed/mitred and waiting to be placed. When we were ready to do this my lumber-mentor commented that we really needed to use his "oval machine" to do the job properly. Now I confess I've been on the other end of these before. I've sent new scouts on snipe hunts and it was fun. I thought he was kidding but the look in his eyes told me otherwise. He was not about to let me half-ass my way through this last critical step of the porch process. (In fact, I am the king of half-ass. I have special chairs so I can sit down. I even walk a bit funny because of it. I think I am a protected class now.) He would have no confidence in that edge joint unless it was properly ovaled into place. I don't quite understand the process of the oval machine but it sounds like, if the Iraquis had used them previously, it would be an entirely different war over there. I think this should become a campaign issue, seriously. I don't need an economic stimulus check if I can't even afford an oval machine. And another thing - what else in my house needs ovaling? I bet the Japanese have ovalers, and spare ones to boot. I bet Japanese kids are learning ovaling in elementary school while my kids are learning how to save the princess in Mario Brothers. I blame the democrats.

I will let you know how it goes, assuming it is ever finished.