A Partial List

A Partial List

The following is a partial list of things that have or are currently irking me. Now, I know what you are saying, “Dave, you just need to get over this little snit you are having and get on with your life.” To you (and you know who you are) I say "Bite yourself, this is my blog and I am irked so read on, if you dare.

Texas toll roads – Good Lord. This state is huge and sprawling and all that. But do you have to make me stop every 7 miles and pay an additional $1.50. I like the idea of having outer-ring highways that avoid the inner-city traffic but why make me stop every 9 minutes to pay a little bit more. I would be happy to pay the full 5 dollars at the beginning of the trip and be done with it. But no, they designed it to have me stop every few miles and pay a little bit more. And I always seem to be in the lane with the lady looking for exact change. You’ve met her before – she has a combination of Euros, pesos and zlotys and is sure, with the current exchange rates she has exact change.

Airport delays – I am currently writing this aboard my flight from Austin to Las Vegas. It was delayed 20 minutes. Then it was delayed 30 minutes. It was finally delayed 45 minutes but the captain assures me that I will get to Las Vegas with 25 minutes to spare to make my connecting flight back home. Of course when we were boarding the plane the same woman with the exact European change brought on a bag that was clearly not the correct size and she was dead set she could make it fit in the overhead bin, I’m no scientist but a 19 inch deep bin will never hold a 23 inch bag. It just won’t happen no matter how hard you push. Her plan was to push on it, then stand back and say “Huh” and then push it again. Repeat this process 16 times and you have my evening. They eventually convinced her to check the bag and we all got out of the gate after another lengthy delay.

One day business trips – Two hour time differences, two interviews, one conference call and three flight delays. Add in an electronics convention and a lousy hotel bed with a lame TV and I was in rare form when the lady tried to shove the bag in. I thought of a nice place she could shove her bag but kept my mouth shut. "Hey, instead of shoving your oversized bag in the bin, why don't you just shove it right up your..." What an oversized bag, if you know what I mean.

The steward on my flight – he has now asked the people all around me if they want more soda or whatever they are drinking. He has not yet asked me if I would like another shot of diet Coke. The answer is “Yes – I would love another diet Coke.” But he hasn’t asked me that so we will never know if I would have enjoyed the second Coke because it doesn’t look like he is ever going to ask. Yes – I am pissed.

Other airline folks who just don’t get it – My favorite part of the airport experience is the security check. I love taking the computer out of the bag and placing it in a separate bin. I like taking off my shoes and emptying my pockets and my glasses and placing them all in another bin. My favorite is taking off my belt. I’m not sure what security risk a belt poses but I comply, I just do. I especially love it when a lady (you know the one I’m talking about) stops the line when she, no matter how many times she has flown before, runs her bag through the scanner with a full bottle of water. The combination of her looking perplexed and the security guy thinking he has just foiled the next 9/11 plot stops the line for what seems like hours. Of course I am holding my pants up (remember my belt is in a separate bin by now) and just hoping the rest of the day will get better. It rarely does.
Once I am on the flight there is an older lady, not really old but old enough that she surely doesn’t need to listen to the pre-flight instructions. As soon as she feels the urge, she just gets up and heads for the restroom. No matter that the plane is just starting to rev up the engines to take off. She stands up and starts toward the restroom. Well, the ever-vigilant stewardess is able to get her to sit down with a stern “Ma’am” and a look that could slice turnips at 10 paces. The lady sits down with a look of “Now that was out of place.” As soon as she can the stewardess asks the lady if her sojourn to the restroom is an emergency. It isn’t and she sits back down. I think the Darwin theory should just take over – a woman like that will just tumble backwards in the plane until she is unconscious and the rest of us will enjoy the flight that much more.

Enough for now. I’m sure I will come up with more in the future. Stay tuned.

Too Much Church - A Definition

So what really is "too" much church? My definition is - any microsecond more than the three hour block is way too much church. The exception to this definition is if there is pie involved with the additional nanoseconds of church. Today, for instance, was too much church. Faye and I had a 10:00 AM meeting with the other "I-am-so-important-so-listen-to-me" couples. That hour was "Too Much Church - hereinafter referred as TMC. The three hours of church today qualified as TMC becuase we had not one but two high council speakers. So, be definition, it was TMC per se. However, the time after church today was pie-ful so that alone did not qualify as TMC. The other parts of the sabbath did, however, make this a relatively rough Sunday.

Now you will note that I referred to the other couples as "I-am-so-important-so-listen-to-me" couples and we have a lot of them. It makes our job a lit easier. When the other IASISLTM couples talk first, when it comes time to ask the Ormes what they have been doing, any short and succinct response is greatly appreciated. So we look good by comparison. Less pedantic = nice people. An equation to live by.

That is all. Have a wonderful week. I will be in Austin Texas (as opposed to Austin, Hawaii) so there.

Way too much church

It started at 12:30 PM - a missionary farewell at our ward. A young man named Grant going to Houston East in a week or so. A lovely talk and we then left to attend out Young Singles ward(Editors note: I am neither young nor single) So we listened to talk and ward choir numbers (6) - not six numbers, just the number 6) and I fell asleep so doing two Sac Meetings has its silver lining. Then on to Sunday School. There are two classes each being vcery large because there is no Primary or young anything, just Sunday School. So neither of the teachers showed up today. TO me this was perfect. We just don't have Sunday School. BONUS!!! But it was not to be. One gentleman got up after a few minutes and said he would teach our class. Now we are in the middle of the Book of Mormon group of lessons and he could have just started tight where we left off last week but that was not to be as well. He announced he was going to lead a lively discussion on DATING. It was quite the Sunday School. Nows it would have been best to not have it. Better was having the dating discussion. Worst would have been the real lesson so I guess it was a fairly good draw.

Now the lesson was a true window into the collective soul of the Singles Ward. First, we started with a list of gripes, from the male perspective, showing what the boys (yes boys) felt were issues that the women had. Then the real venom, the women's perspective. Some of the comments were quite insightful. Some hilarious. And others just sad, the real reasons so many of these people are still single. I particularly liked the comments I labeled "From the Snippy Bitch" comments. There were many and from various parties. Snippy Bitch comments, they name is Legion. There were plenty of stupid male comments as well. His name is Legion as well. My favorite comment from the male was "If I call and offer to go on a date, my offer of date should supercede any girl's-night you may have already planned." No date for him!

Oh well.